So many moments
by veryamateur
Summary: Series of short stories, all moments in the (pre-)married life of Jean and Atticus Finch. Finished!
1. Chapter 1

AN: Alright, so this will be my series of short stories about Atticus and Jean Finch. I had already written short flashbacks in my other story. Anyway, I'm starting off with the two dancing, they aren't married yet but know each other for quite some time. Don't know if it is something, but I was playing with the idea for a while. Furthermore, I'm not from the US (although I'd love to, American dreams :))so there might be mistakes as I don't know much about Alabama in the twenties/thirties. But enjoy!

Fall in Alabama isn't really fall. It's more like an extended summer, so Jean Graham and Atticus Finch were already very hot before they entered the hall where the party was going on. A coworker of Atticus at the state legislature was celebrating his fiftieth birthday and there was to be an informal party. It was a nice, warm evening. As soon as it was time to dance, Jean and Atticus were both hesitant. They were still a bit shy around each other, but after a while Atticus did invite his date for a dance. They waltzed around somewhat, and when the next, jazzy music came up, Jean, who was familiar with the song the band was playing, looked up to Atticus. "You know the dance?" she asked in a turn. "No." Atticus answered. "Teach me." Jean nodded slowly, took him to a corner of the room and discretely taught him the steps. "Left foot out...step...in!" Not long after, they flaunted across the hall, other duos looking surprised as everyone found the dance hard to learn. Atticus eyes were tightly focused on Jean's. They smiled at each other, and when the band paused to play, Atticus led his dance partner outside. They stood silently, a whiff of cool air blowing through the warm night past their bodies. Suddenly, Atticus wrapped an arm around Jean and kissed her. She returned it and put one hand in Atticus's black hair, the other around his shoulder. The kiss took minutes, and when the two got out of air and pulled loose, they looked into each other's eyes, breathing heavily. "Atticus..." Jean began, but Atticus put a finger on her lips. "Shht...don't ruin it. Look, how beautiful." He made a broad armgesture across their view. Then, he wrapped the arm back around her. Jean didn't mind him cutting her off, she didn't have anything to say. Suddenly, she felt so much love and affection for the man next to her. She got all her courage together, reached up to his face and kissed him. Atticus was fully taken by surprise but returned it. When they finished, they looked bewildered at each other. This time, Atticus was the one to speak first. "Jean...I love you." Again, he pulled her into a kiss. After that one, their lips felt numb. Suddenly, Atticus felt so much love and affection for the woman in front of him. He got all his courage together, reached down, sat on one knee and spoke: "Jean Graham, will you marry me?" Jean clasped her hands against her face,then pulled them away. "Yes! Yes, yes, I will!" Atticus stood up and hugged his wife to be. "I don't even have a ring yet," he whispered. "I don't care,"Jean whispered stood there longer, kissing and hugging, and then walked back.

Well, that was the first one! I hope you liked it and it wasn't too cheesy.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Next one! I put the part about their wedding night in, as it already has been published in the other story, but it is just a bonus. I'm a bit struggling with finding subjects for the stories, but I hope this one's alright with you.

That day, they had become mr. and mrs. Finch. And that night, they would become even closer to each other. When the festives of the day were over, the two went upstairs to their bedroom. Both nervous, both knowing what to happen but not knowing wat to expect. As soon as the door was closed. Atticus started kissing his wife. She kissed back, and slowly, they started to undo each other of clothing. Not a word was said, Atticus thought that might ruin the moment and make them more nervous. So were Jean's thoughts. When they were naked apart from underwear, they paused a moment. Atticus spoke up: Jean...I love you." Then, he carefully loosened her bra. A bit hesitating and uncertain, he trailed kisses over her breasts, down to her stomach and removed her panties. He raised up and kissed her again on the mouth. Jean took his boxershorts off and stroked with her hands over his chest. Atticus moaned softly. Jean smiled at him shyly and he blushed. He decided not to wait any longer and pushed her back on the bed. Then, a whole new world went open. Atticus, in his dream saw only flashes of the happening: her eyes wide open, his body going wildly up and down, sweat running over their foreheads, the sound of skin on skin, heavy breathing, loud moans, gripping to skin, her nails pushing in his shoulders, their lips devouring each other, and finally, cries of pleasure, their amazement when it was over, their panting in each other's arms and whispering that they loved each other.

Jean had fallen asleep, exhausted from their lovemaking in her husband's arms. Atticus was still awake and let his mind wander across the past months. Everything had gone by quick after he'd made his unexpected proposal. He had been introduced to the Grahams, and Jean to his family. His parents were very glad there was finally a woman in their son's life, his brother Jack had seemed smitten by the young Jean and even Alexandra was happy for her brother, although she didn't like the way his fiancée wore her hair. The months that followed had been happy and expectantly. And finally, that day the wedding took place. Atticus couldn't believe how gorgeous his now-wife looked, and when he lifted the veil in front of Jean's face, he felt his eyes become watery at her beauty. Now, she was his wife, laying in his arms, pressed against his naked body in their bed, in their house. Oh, he'd love her forever and ever...that's when Jean opened her eyes. "Ain't you asleep yet?" Atticus tightened his grip around her and she put her head on his shoulder, placing kisses on his neck. "No...you are so beautiful when you're asleep, did you know that?" Jean pulled her head back to look her husband in the eye and smiled. "I was just thinking how I'd love you forever," Atticus said. "Forever. Know that when your face is getting wrinkled, your hair's getting gray, your breasts are moving down, I'll worship as much as I do at this moment." Jean kissed him. "And so will I love you," she said. And I'm sure, 'cause you already have wrinkles." Atticus pinched her cheek playfully. They hugged once more. Jean pressed her nose into his cheek and whispered: "I really will love you forever as well, Atticus Finch. And by the way...my breasts won't be hanging." Atticus laughed. "I only said it because a client of mine once gave it up as reason for divorce. " "Oh please." "Goodnight, Mrs. Finch. I love you." "Sleep well, Mr. Finch. I love you too."

And they lived happily ever after, huh? Well, we all know how the story ends so that's why sad stories will be a minority in this series. But, there will be some breaks from the cheesiness and love in upcoming chapters. Right now, it's all love :)


	3. Chapter 3

AN: I again include a flashback from the other story. Enjoy!.

A year after Jean Graham had become Jean Finch, Atticus was reading on the couch. Suddebly, his wife dropped next to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She put one hand on the page he was reading. Her husband looked up to her, smiling. "I hope there is a reason for distracting me? It's a very good book." He pulled her into a kiss. Jean returned it, but freed herself after a while. "I got to tell you something, Atticus. I think you will find it important enough to quit reading and listen to me!" She winked, and Atticus closed the book. He looked up once more, a bit worried, but then saw the excitement in his wife's sparkling eyes. "What is it, darling?" Jean shifted a bit, so that she could look him straight in the eye. "Atticus...we're going to have a child!" Atticus looked up to her in disbelief. "No..." he said. "Yes! Aren't you happy?" Jean asked a bit worried after hearing his response. "O honey of course I'm happy! You couldn't have made me happier. Lord, a child...since when do you know?" "Yesterday I went to doctor Reynolds. Atticus...we're going to have a little someone who we can cuddle and read to and love...and know is from both of us!" Atticus smiled and pulled his wife into a hug. She shedded tears of happiness and he pulled her closer. A baby...

About four, five months later, Atticus got a call at his office from Calpurnia. "Mr. Finch? You better come home quick. Mrs. Finch is sick. The doctor is already here." Atticus immediately feared the worst. He ran home and hurriedly came into the bedroom. Jean was in the bed and dr. Reynolds and Calpurnia both on the sides of the bed. "What happened?" Atticus asked, his voice trembling a little. "I passed out," Jean said and smiled at him. "She was with me in the kitchen and suddenly she fell onto the floor." Calpurnia added. "If you could all leave for a second?" dr. Reynolds asked. Then I can examine her and the child." Atticus looked worried at his wife. Jean felt tears come up. It couldn't be that she'd...no. Calpurnia took Atticus to the kitchen and set a glass of water in front of him. He looked up at her. "What do you think, Cal?" "Well, Mr. Finch, maybe she just hasn't eaten enough this morning and that's why she fainted. It really doesn't have to be bad," she said, trying to comfort Atticus. After wh at seemed hours, dr. Reynolds voice reached the two. "Mr. Finch? Are you in the kitchen? Wait, I'm coming." Calpurnia wanted to get out,bbut Atticus stopped her. "Would you please stay?" Right then, the doctor entered. He sat down, and spoke. "Atticus...they both are alright." Atticus let out a sigh from relief. "However, you know that there's a hearr defect running in the Graham family. She needs to be careful, but there's no reason to worry. Try to let her be exposed to a minimum of stress and take good care of her. She fainted because of tiredness, it often happens with pregnant women. Goodbye!" Atticus was still digesting the doctor's words, but thanked and said goodbye anyway. He thanked Calpurnia as well, went to the bedroom and embraced and kissed his wife. Calpurnia knocked on the door. "Mrs. Finch? Shall I run a bath for you?" She clearly understood that Jean now wanted to be clean. "Yes, Cal, thank you!" she yelled over Atticus's shouder. He lifted her and walked over to the bathroom. They waited for the tub to be full and in the mean time Atticus took off Jean's bra and panties, as it were the only garments she was wearing after the doctor's visit. He carefully put her in the water and skimmed a sponge over her skin. Then, he sat on the edge of the bath and let his hands run over her stomach. He smiled at his wife. Jean took his hand, gently lifted it and placed it on her left breast. "Touch me," she whispered. Atticus threw her a glance, then moved both his hands over her chest. She moaned softly and lifted his hands again, this time to place kisses on them. "I so look forward to having the child," she said, changing the subject. "Me too," answered Atticus a bit confused. "Atticus I'm scared," said Jean suddenly. "What if this happens again?" "Oh, honey, don't think that," he said. "The doctor said not to worry. You just have to sleep enough and don't have stress. It's all going to be fine." He kissed her and lifted her out of the bath. With one hand, he held her and with the other he searched for a towel. "Honey, I can handle it myself," Jean said laughing. "You don't have to!" Atticus dried her, then clumsily wrapped the towel around her head. "It's getting close to dinner time," he said. "Are you coming?"


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Again, I included one of the flashbacks that already has been published, but I cut a large part off.. This is a piece about a happy family :)

Jean was in labour for fifteen hours. "Push, mrs. Finch. Push! Come on!" After that fifteen hours, everybody was exhausted, not only Jean,who laid panting, sweating and crying on the bed. Finally, finally, the little head got out. "Come on, mrs. Finch. You're almost done. Come on, you've got the head!" But Jean was completely drained. "I can't...I can't do it anymore...please..." Atticus looked like he was ready to faint. "Please honey, you're almost ready. One, two more pushes. You can do it.""Come on, mrs. Finch," dr. Reynolds said. "It's almost done, you're almost finished." Eventually, Jean gave her final pushes and the room filled with cries. "There he is...it's a boy!" Finally, little Jeremy Finch was put into his mother's arms. When the doctor had left, Atticus finally cried along with his wife of happiness. They stroked the little bundle in Jean's arms and were so enormously happy. Then, Atticus got to hold the baby. The fresh parents kissed each other over the little head of their son.

About one week later, Jem's crying woke up Jean and Atticus. He had been crying every night and his parents showed it. However, they couldn't care less. "I'll go," Atticus mumbled. He stroked his wife's hair and stood up. In Jem's room, he sat down next to the baby bed and took his son carefully in his arms. The last nights, Jem had stopped crying whenever one of his parents held him, but not this time. Atticus rocked the baby in his arms, but when it had no effect, he stood up and started walking Jem past the walls, pointing out books and curtains. The cries were more steadily and softer, so Atticus decided this might work. "Do you like that, hm?" he whispered. "Areyou a bit of an explorer?" He tried to talk normally, not the baby voice many people employed when they found themselves in the close proximity of a child. Jean turned herself on her back and wondered if she should get up, as it took Atticus so long to come back. But it seemed the baby had almost stopped crying so she decided to stay.

In the mean time, Atticus was walking Jem past the bookshelves in the livingroom, still pointing at books and colours. He had already stopped crying a while ago, but seemed to like the tour given by Atticus. When they had finished the wall, Atticus kissed his son on his forehead and walked him back. He sat himself in the chair and rocked the baby to sleep, which took quite some time. Finally, he put his son back in the bed. Atticus waited on the doorstep, but Jem persisted sleeping. The fresh father walked back to the bedroom and laid down, wrapped his arms under Jean's breasts and closed his eyes.

That day, Jean got up early to breastfeed her son. She was surprised at finding Atticus with the little Jem in his arms. It wasn't unusual for her that her husband was up before she was, even when she was up early, but he spent most of those early mornings reading. Atticus looked up and smiled at her. "Morning, dear. I thought I'd already check up at him." Jean squatted next to them and stroked the baby's hands. She reached up to kiss Atticus. "I'm sorry, honey but I gotta feed him." she said. Carefully, Atticus handed the child to her and Jean set him onto her breast. "When I tonight tried to calm him, he didn't rightaway," Atticus said. "Yes what did you actually do? I wanted to get up first, but you seemed to have it all under control." she replied. "Well, I showed him the books in the livingroom. He seemed to find it pretty nice. We've got a little explorer here," he said, softly squeezing Jean's arm. She smiled. "Well, that must be your contribution, then, those books." She winked at him. "Have you seen, by the way, how much he looks like you?" Atticus asked. "He's got an exact copy of your hair and eyes." Jean smiled. "He does have the same hands as you have, do you see? I'm absolutely sure he'll also have those long fingers." Atticus nodded and together looked at Jem, who was satisfied with the amount of milk he'd had. Jean pulled her nightgown back in place and looked at Atticus. "Shall we?" They walked to the livingroom, where Calpurnia had already finished breakfast. "Goodmorning," she said. "How's he doing, have you gotten some sleep?" "Well," Atticus answered, "I found out tonight that he likes being shown around the books." "It couldn't be anything else," Cal smiled "with you as parents." Right when those parents started eating, Jem began crying. "I'll go calm him down," Calpurnia said. When she walked away, Atticus took Jean's head in his hands and kissed her. It didn't take long for Calpurnia to calm Jem down, and the two looked surprised at her. "Oh well, mr and mrs. Finch...I've got some experience."


	5. Chapter 5

Jem had grown into a healthy mother's boy of almost three years old. He slept in every night in his parent's bed, and although Jean and Atticus weren't sure it was the right way to get their little boy to sleep,they also loved those moments, knowing that they wouldn't last forever. One night, when Atticus had finally carried Jem to his own bedroom, Jean was sitting up straight in bed when he came back. "What's the matter?" Atticus asked. He yawned. "Honey...," she patted on Atticus's sleeping side. He sat down, and waited for Jean to speak. "Honey...don't you think Jem would like a little brother or sister?" Atticus was a bit overwhelmed by her direct question and thought a second before he answered. "Jean...we've been talking about this before, and you know I'm afraid of your health. The doctor said we shouldn't worry, but be careful anyway.I'd love another child, but what if something happened to you." "But Atticus, sweetheart, don't you see? Jem needs someone to play with, and I feel I should have another child before it's too late. He just said we should be careful, not that I can't get pregnant." They had had this argument so many times, but now, Atticus replied differently than he did lastly. He held his breath, then released it at once. He looked at Jean. "I'd also love a second child." he said softly. "But we should be assured that it's alright." "Oh, darling, I love you!" Jean exclaimed. She embraced him."Uh, first wait on what the doctor says," Atticus smiled.

Jean went to the doctor that morning. When Atticus came home for lunch, she happily jumped onto him. "Atticus, we can have it! We can have another child!" She pushed Jem forward. "Sweetie! How would you like to have a brother or sister?" Jem looked like he didn't understand. "Someone you can play tackle with," Atticus said. Some nights later, after Jean on her turn had brought Jem to his room, she was met by Atticus on the doorstep of their own bedroom. He kissed her, and while they were devouring each other removed her pyjamas. She giggled and started to dress Atticus down. After she'd pushed him onto the bed, Atticus rolled their bodies over so that he was on top. He started rocking his body on hers, first calmly but then quicker, harder and finally erratic. After they had reached their climax, they laid facing each other on their sides, kissing and panting.

Some weeks later, Jean cuddled herself into Atticus's side when he sat reading on the couch, the same situation as when she told him about her pregnancy with Jem. He looked up from his book and put an arm around her shoulders. "Atticus..." she smiled and gave him a small kiss. He wanted to deepen it, but she pulled back and laid a finger on his lips. "That'll come later. Atticus...we're having another baby!" Atticus laughed. "Darling, that's great! Oh honey...are you sure? You didn't have your...uhm..." "No I didn't," she answered. "I'm so glad.I love you." Atticus told her the same and kissed her.

The next morning, Jean told Calpurnia about her pregnancy. "Oh,Mrs. Finch! I'm very happy for the two of you.I believe Jem will also be enormously glad. When he's playing with your husband, I hear mr. Finch saying all the time he's too old to do this and that." Jean laughed."I think Atticus would like a girl he can indulge. I'd be happy with both. Of course, he'd also be happy with another boy..." she rambled on. "Good lord, I'm almost looking forward to going into labour!"


	6. Chapter 6

Jean was pregnant for almost nine months and two weeks, and exhausted from carrying her heavy body around. There hadn't been any incidents concerning her and the baby, so Atticus and she were now only looking forward to having their child. Jean had been having sleepless nights for the last couple of weeks, she usually fell asleep around two o'clock. It was getting onto four when she again had that feeling of peeing in bed, and she jumped out. "Atticus! It's coming!" Atticus woke up immediately, ever since Jem was born he slept very lightly. When he felt a cold puddle, moving his leg, he knew what was going on and stood up. He hugged his wife and ran to the phone. Dr Reynolds said he wouldn't wait this time and arrived half an hour later. In the mean time, Jem had woken up and asked what was going on. Atticus explained that there was a little brother or sister making his or her entrance and that he could go back to sleep. When Atticus had walked back into his own bedroom, Jean grabbed his arm. "Honey, will you please stay? Cal can entertain Jem. I'd like you to be here with me." Atticus answered affirmatively.

It took almost twenty-four hours for Scout to be born. Atticus had many tasks: he was to stand ready for Jean, tell Jem every now and then that it really was alright, wipe sweat off several foreheads and make sure he wouldn't faint. Especially, the last hours were hard. Jean was crying and moaning, but eventually, a screaming baby was held into the air. "You've got a girl!" the doctor said. The bundle was placed on Jean's chest and that was when Atticus came in. He had spent the last half an hour together with Calpurnia trying to make clear to Jem that no one was dying; on the contrary. Dr. Reynolds shook his hand. "Atticus, congratulations with a beautiful, healthy daughter." He said he'd find the door himself and walked away. Atticus knelt next to Jean, who was weak of exhaustion. "You missed the exciting part," she whispered. "Look how beautiful she is." Tears appeared in her eyes. Atticus also felt his eyes get watery and quickly kissed Jean, then the baby's forehead. After five minutes, he walked out and told Jem that there was a surprise. Calpurnia walked with them and congratulated entered the room. "What a beautiful girl," Calpurnia said. She congratulated Jean as well. Atticus put Jem in his lap. "You see, son? This is your sister. Go on, you can touch her." Jem carefully tipped Scout's hand with one finger. "She's smaller than I thought she'd be..." Jem said, "but I think I like her anyway." Atticus looked at his wife and stroked the little cheek of the baby. "Are you crying, Atticus?" Jem asked. "Of course not," Atticus said hoarsely, wiping his eyes. Everyone laughed, which caused the little bundle in Jean's arms to cry out. "Shhht," she whispered, rocking the child. She looked up. "Atticus, would you like to hold her?" Calpurnia assisted, heaving Jean Louise over in Atticus arms and walked out together with Jem. "That's been a little while," Atticus whispered. He carefully and a bit hesitant cuddled his daughter. Pretty quick, she had captured his finger in her small fist. "Look, she's a strong one," Atticus said. He looked up and saw that his wife was asleep. Calpurnia came in. "Mr. Finch, mrs. Finch, I put Jem in bed. He was quite tired. Oh, is she asleep? I'm sorry. Mr. Finch, can I help you with anything?" "No..."Atticus answered. I'll put her in the baby room and go to bed myself then. Thank you very much, Cal." "No problem, sir. I'll walk with you and go home then. " On their way, Jean Louise started crying. "Oh,you've got another restless baby here mr. Finch!" Cal laughed. Atticus looked a bit desperate, but told Cal to go, he'd solve it himself. He walked his little daughter around the living room, trying the same methods he'd practised with Jem, and finally, after almost twenty minutes, she calmed down. Atticus went to put her in bed, but every time he let her go, she burst into tears again. Finally, Atticus decided to sit up with her.

The next morning, Jean woke up in an empty bed. She was used to her husband getting up early so wasn't surprised. Immediately, she walked to her newborn daughter, and there she found Atticus, fully dressed, asleep with also a sleeping baby in his arms. She laughed, and he woke up. "Oh, morning honey. I must've fallen asleep a few minutes ago." Jean walked to him. "Did you really stay here all night?" "Yes, ma'am. Lord, my neck hurts..." he cocked his head to one side. She laughed and kissed him. "She's so pretty," Atticus mumbled. "Yes, she is." Jean said.

That went a little quick. Hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway!


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Alright then,there's some smut...but I'm afraid not very well written. Anyway, hope you'll enjoy!

Jean Louise Finch was now a couple of months old, and absorbed, together with her brother, her parent's energy and time fully. Not that they minded, Atticus and Jean loved spending time with their children. However, it was a very long time ago that they had some time for each other. During the day, Atticus was at work and Jean would be busy with Scout, when Atticus came back, Jem would already have returned from school and they would be busy with both their children; at evenings and nights, Scout would be crying and someone had to come for her. Furthermore, Jem wouldn't just fall asleep, Atticus and Jean had to put him in their bed, lay next to him, fully clothed, as it was long not their bedtime, and wait until he was asleep. Only then they could carry him to his own bed. After all these tasks were completed, they would be so tired that they spent the rest of the evening reading, Jean usually falling asleep on Atticus's shoulder after not too long. But the two parents never complained; as said before, they loved almost all the aspects of having children. Still, they rather missed the time when they had nothing on hands except each other.

One evening, it was Jean's turn to put Jem in his own bed. When she returned to get her book off the nightstand, she found Atticus still half under the covers. He stood up, slowly, walked to his wife, and pulled her into a kiss. When they stopped for air, Atticus put a finger on his wife's lips. "Honey...I think it's the highest time we take some for ourselves." She nodded, gladly. Atticus opened the zipper on Jean's back and pulled the upper part of her dress down her arms, until her waist. He let his hands roam over her breasts, shoulders and back, then carefully loosened her bra. The garment dropped to the floor, and Atticus kissed her exposed breasts. Jean tugged lightly at his hair, and let out a short moan. Atticus made his way up, trailing kisses over her neck and mouth. While he was doing so, Jean decided it was her turn and she quickly loosened the buttons of Atticus's vest, then his shirt fell on the rug. She caressed his chest with her hands and mouth and Atticus let out a soft groan. She laughed, then sinked to her knees and loosened the fly of his pants. Atticus stroked her hair. She pulled his pants down, and let him step out of them. Then, she removed his boxershorts and gave two quick strokes against the insides of his thighs, causing Atticus to groan loudly. "Shht," she whispered. Atticus kissed her hungrily, then moved down to dress her down completely. When she was naked, Atticus stood up and let his eyes roam over her body. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. He lifted Jean and laid her gently on the bed. Carefully, he moved his body on top of her and entered her body.

They finished their passionate act loudly. Sweating and in each other's arms, they listened if Scout or Jem was crying, but it stayed silent. Atticus kissed Jean all over her face, then rolled next to her. She turned her face to him. "Let's do it again, Atticus." He laughed. "Well, we do have to catch up, hm?" he said. He wanted to climb on her again, but Jean shook her head. "I want to look you in the eye," she said, and rolled herself on top of Atticus. He seemed to be fine with it, and there they went again. Jean collapsed on Atticus's chest after they were done. Sweat dripped off his hairline onto her cheek. Although he was strong enough to join his wife in the rhythm of her hips, he was exhausted. Jean laid still on top of him, her face buried in the crook of his neck. When they had calmed down a little, she wanted to go lay next to him. But then, there came a loud cry from the baby room. They sighed.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: I know this is a bit random subject, but when I read in Go Set A Watchman about Atticus's mother's death, I did the math and it occurred to me that he lost both his own mother and the mother of his children in about the same year. So here you are! Thank you all very much, by the way, for all the sweet reviews. I love reading them!

Jean quickly walked to the ringing phone. She took it off the hook, greeted and heard the voice she was expecting. "Sweet, she's gone." Atticus said. "Oh honey, I'm sorry. When did it happen?" "Exactly twenty-three minutes ago," Atticus said softly. "But it's fine. It was her time to go. We were all with her." "Are you planning on staying there?" Jean asked. "Or are you coming back for tonight?" "No, I'm staying here tonight. Funeral is in four days. We thought it might be a good idea if we all stayed the night before and the night after at the Landing. I'll come to Maycomb, but I'll mostly stay here. I... I will let you know when I'll step by." Jean waited. "Alright, sweet," she said finally. "Take care. And tell Alexandra and Jack I'm very sorry." "I will. Kiss Scout and Jem goodnight for me. Bye, dear." "Bye," she whispered before she hung up. She hadn't expected Atticus to be so reservated. His mother had been sick a long time. Two days ago, there'd been a call from Alexandra saying she wasn't doing well, and it had all gone by quickly. She sighed.

Three days later, Jean, Scout and Jem arrived at the Landing. Atticus greeted them all with a kiss. "So Atticus's Mama is dead?" Jem asked for about the tenth time. "Yes, son." Atticus answered. "So we'll never see her again?" "No, son." "Pity." Jem answered. The family were greeted by the tear-streaked Jack and Alexandra as well. The two had been crying ever since the moment the doctor declared old mrs. Finch dead. That night in bed, Jean finally had the chance to talk to Atticus alone. "Sweet, how are you with it?" she asked, stroking his arm. "Well, it's a strange idea that I won't see her, ever, again, but I'm alright with it. Honey, I haven't cried, isn't that strange? Alexandra and Jack don't even stop crying and frankly, it annoys me. That is strange, isn't it?" "Of course not," Jean assured him. "Everyone deals differently with grief."

The next day, the funeral was held. Atticus spoke on behalf of all mrs. Finch's children. He was doing perfectly, until he noticed that he was using his loud, even courtroom voice. The "A great mother" had sounded like "Not. Guilty!" Atticus looked up and saw that his wife was thinking the same. Her eyebrows were close together. He had to decide in a second whether he was able to use his normal voice, or if he had to continue this way. After a deep breath, he continued with his usual low, comforting tone. At the last line, however, he paused a second. He swallowed and looked up. Jean's chin was close to her chest and her eyes looked up at him. He looked beside her. At Alexandra's left breast, their mother's broche was placed. She had given it, the last day she was alive. He focused his eyes on the broche, he spoke the last sentence. "May she rest in peace." It was spoken so softly and full of emotion, that half the church felt tears springing to their eyes. Atticus went down, sat next to his wife and Jem and held her inviting hand.

The rest of the day had gone by in a rush. Many condoleances, many shaken hands, many, many tears, except on Atticus's eyes, much food. But that night, when they lay together in the double bed in one of the spare rooms, Jean noticed her husband turning away from her. She turned herself as well. "Atticus, sweet, are you alright?" A soft sob was her response. "Shall I leave you alone a second?" she whispered. Atticus just kept crying silently into the pillow. Jean eventually drew her arm around his waist and took his hand. She pushed her face into his back. At that moment, Alexandra walked by to go to the toilet. When she heard sobs coming from her brother's room, she looked through the slightly open door. She felt bad immediately, but couldn't stop. Her big brother hadn't cried. Not when their mother died, not after...she had expected him to cry during the ceremony, when he was talking. But no, he had seemed to see something and ended his talk perfectly. She was jealous. She had always been jealous of her brother. He was always smarter, better and now he had a way better marriage than she. She knew it wasn't fair to think like that, but kept watching anyway. In the room, Atticus had quickly pulled his wife into a hug. He did not want her to see his tears. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Honey, it's good to let it out." Jean answered. She stroked his hair and back. His shoulders were still shaking. Jean took Atticus's face between her hands. He turned away from her, but she held him firmly. "It's alright," she said once more. Atticus spoke. "It isn't even that I'm that sad, it's just...I don't have a mother anymore." Jean brought her face closer and kissed him. He hungrily returned it. Still crying, he kissed her more and hugged her again. Alexandra, still peeking, heard only muffled noises,sobs, panting, breathing and kisses and decided it was her time to go. She felt bad for looking into this intimate moment, but also jealous again. She returned to her own bed, not passing the bathroom, to look at the still back of Jimmy.

AN: hm, I don't know if that worked out very well. I tried to explain Alexandra's later behaviour a bit, but this story didn't turn out the way I meant it to turn out. Well, tell me what you thought!


	9. Chapter 9

It was some time later that Atticus sat up straight in bed reading, waiting for Jean to be ready so they could go to sleep. She dropped down next to him and Atticus closed his book. He wanted to turn the light off, but Jean stopped him. "Atticus, wait." she said. She clung to his arm and put her head on his shoulder. "Honey, you're going to Montgomery next week..."Atticus nodded. It was time for going to the legislature. Although he missed his wife and children on those trips, he liked the time for himself he had then. "...and how would you like it if I came with you? Just that week, so we can spend some time together." Atticus looked surprised. "But honey, who looks after Scout and Jem then? I don't know if they like it when there is not one of us around." "But sweet," Jean replied, "Cal can look after them! I can also come back after three days. At least so we can have some time off." Atticus hesitated. It wasn't like Jean to leave their children alone. On the other hand, he did exactly the same when he went to the state legislature. And if she only stayed with him for a part of the week...he would like spending some time with her, only the two of them. "Okay, then" he said, "but I do think you have to go back after three days, for the children. Honey, I love the prospect of being alone with you for a couple of days, but I'm gone during the day, do you know that? And we'll have to ask Cal first." Jean hugged him. "Oh sweet I love that! I don't mind, I'll find something else to do during days. And in the evening, we can go to a cafe, maybe have a dance...do things we can't do here. I think Cal will be fine with it." Atticus laughed and hugged her back. "Good idea, honey. I'm tired now, however. Goodnight!" They kissed and went to sleep.

Cal was fine with it. A week later, Atticus and Jean drove away to Montgomery. They both were in a happy mood, pleased to be able to be alone. The ride took long, so when the two arrived in their hotel, Atticus had to leave almost immediately. Jean unpacked their suitcase and looked out of the window. She was very glad to be back in her city. Memories of the early days with Atticus filled her mind, and she fell back on the bed. It seemed so long ago that they had met. Now they were married, with two children. She wondered about how different things could have worked out if Atticus only had not been elected to the legislature, or if she hadn't been in that same restaurant as he was. They would both have completely different lives now...Jean stood up and decided to take a walk through town. By the time Atticus had finished, she would be waiting for him and they could eat dinner somewhere. Her stroll, however, took longer than she had expected; after finally reaching the buildings of the legislature, she found out Atticus had already returned to the hotel. She walked back and threw her shoes off when she arrived. Atticus came out of the bathroom and pulled her into a hug. "There you are! I wondered where you'd be, honey." Jean laughed. "Good lord, and I thought I'd know the way. Everything has changed!" "Well," Atticus smiled. "First relax a little. Maybe you'd like to visit a restaurant, after? I'm taking a shower now." Jean agreed.

That evening, the two went to the centre. They had dinner in an Italian restaurant and after that, the two went to a bar. A small ensemble played jazz music in a corner, and there was a pretty occupied dancing floor. When the band switched songs, Atticus and Jean looked up to each other. "It's our song!" Jean said loudly into Atticus's ear. It was the same song they had danced to on the same night Atticus had proposed to her. He laughed, and let himself be pulled off the stool by Jean. They both still knew the steps. After a couple of minutes, the band played another song again, but Atticusaand Jean both kept dancing. It was late when they finally left the bar. Atticus wrapped his arm around Jean's waist while they calmly walked through the barely lighted streets. "At the hotel, I was thinking about the time when we had just met," Jean said softly. "We had so much fun together, and now we're happily married, two beautiful children, a nice house... I thought about how different things could have turned out for us. Imagine we hadn't met, Atticus." Atticus pulled her closer. "But we did, honey. I've been thinking about that time as well. Especially when that song came up, it seemed like I was pulled back in time. And you're still as wonderful and marvelous as you were back then." They stopped and kissed. Jean let her hands roam over Atticus's chest, but he took her hands. "Shall we wait with that, honey?"

AN: I'll continue their little trip in the next chapter(s)! My apologies, if things are not right; as I said before, I have little knowledge about Alabama in the thirties. I hope you're enjoying it!


	10. Chapter 10

AN: I don't have much time to write lately, so I'm sorry for my irregular postings and probably unedited chapters. But, still enjoy!

When the two had arrived in their hotel, Atticus said he'd go to the bathroom for a fresh up. "Take your time, honey," Jean told him sultrily. When he got back, he found Jean on the bed, wearing a light pink, short nightgown with a deep décolletage. She laid in a sexy pose on the bed, fingering the long pearl necklace she was wearing. "Wow, honey," Atticus said, catching his breath. "Turn around," Jean spoke, "and dress down." Atticus looked puzzled at her, but did what she said. When he had stripped down fully, Jean told him to turn around and come to her. She hadn't told Atticus, but she loved the sight of his bare behind. Atticus walked to her, and Jean shifted a little so that he could lay next to her. As soon as they lay onto their sides, looking into each other's eyes, Jean kissed Atticus. They kissed for full minutes. When they stopped for air, Jean started stroking Atticus chest, then, her hands roamed all over his body. Atticus moaned. He reached for Jean's chest area, but she got hold of his hands. "Patience, dear." She let her hands go over his thighs, and Atticus almost got crazy. "Honey..." he grunted. Finally, Jean allowed him to take her nightgown off. Atticus was happily surprised to see she was wearing nothing underneath it, and caressed her body. When they both were ready, he moved himself on top of her. While they made love, they made noise. After, finally, they stopped their rhythm, Jean laughed and told her husband she was glad they were alone, not with their children in surrounding rooms. Atticus laughed as well, and enjoyed the feeling of her hot, sweaty hair and cheek on his heaving chest. He stroked the back of her head and told her he loved her.

When Jean woke up the next morning, she did so to an empty bed. Atticus had already run off to the state legislature, he was having an important meeting. They would not see each other again until tonight. Jean spent the day shopping. She went to visit an old friend and tried to find her way around town. The day passed by quickly, and she was waiting at the hotel when Atticus came back. He greeted her tiredly and said he didn't feel like going out too late again like yesterday, but...he had managed having a day off tomorrow. They would have all the time for themselves. Jean was happy to hear so. That evening, they went to an restaurant Atticus often went to when he hadn't met Jean. The staff still remembered him. When they had gotten their food, Atticus told Jean that he missed their children, only a little. Jean responded with a "Do you? I do not, at all. I'm way too much enjoying spending time with you, dear." Atticus was surprised at her reaction. "Really, honey? I thought you would be thinking about them all the time. It was already quite a surprise for me that you just left them..." Jean pushed her chair back. "Are you trying to tell me that I'm a bad mother?" she whispered angrily. "That I just leave my children? Let me tell you, you are the one who always runs off to your state legislature! I have made perfectly sure that they're being taken care off, and have you ever done that? No, you just assume I will. Of course I will, but still, Atticus!" "Calm down, calm down." Atticus said, overwhelmed by her reaction. "I didn't say anything of such kind. You're the best mother I could wish for my children. I was surprised, that's a..." Jean pushed her chair further back, and walked away. Atticus made a desperate gesture with his hands to a waiter, who came to his table. Atticus paid the bill quickly and walked out of the restaurant. He didn't see Jean anymore, but decided just to walk to the hotel. He didn't hurry. As soon as he came in, he noticed Jean was already in bed, all the lights were off as well. Atticus sighed and changed into his pyjamas as well. He positioned himself next to her on his side and looked onto the stiff back of his wife. An attempt to wrap his arm around her, was angrily shaken off. Eventually, he rolled onto his other side and fell asleep.

Early in the next morning, Atticus awoke to a call of his name. Jean sat on his side of the bed. "I'm sorry," she said as soon as Atticus opened his eyes. "I overreacted because I actually do miss Jem and Scout. And I feel a bit guilty about leaving them."

"Oh," Atticus said tiredly. "I shouldn't have said it like that, so I'm sorry too. But isn't it very early, honey? I'm usually up before you." "It's five o'clock, dear. But I couldn't sleep." "Well, try," Atticus said. "We can get up in an hour or so. And we'll make a nice day out of it." Jean nodded and climbed over Atticus.

AN: As I already said: I apologize for the mistakes! Somewhere in the next week, I'll publish their day together.


	11. Chapter 11

When Atticus woke up to the sound of a church clock strucking six o'clock, his wife was still fast asleep. He quickly took a shower and got dressed. Then, he walked to a coffee bar not far from the hotel to read the papers and drink milk, as he disliked coffee. There weren't many people in town yet, and Atticus enjoyed the tranquility with a city-like atmosphere. He paid and got back to the hotel, where Jean was taking her shower. "Would you like to join me?" she yelled from the bathroom after Atticus had wished her a good morning. Atticus smiled to himself but declined; they would have enough time to do things like that. After a while she got out, fully dressed and ready to go. Together, they walked downstairs to have breakfast. "Honey, I hope you can forgive me for my behaviour yesterday. I don't know whether you really understood my apology this morning." Atticus ruffled her hair. "It's alright, dear. Let's just make a nice day out of it, okay?" Jean nodded and kissed his shoulder.

After breakfast, the two went to the newly built Montgomery Museum of Fine Arts. They had heard about the special architecture of the building and agreed with the positive public opinion. When they had finished their cultural visit, they went to a restaurant for lunch. "So how has it been at the legislature?" Jean asked. "I think all the time that you're just having a vacation like me, but you're doing work, Atticus!" He laughed. "Just the usual, sweet. There have been no special meetings or so." "Atticus,"Jean asked suddenly, "your brother Jack works and lives in Nashville, doesn't he?" Atticus was surprised at the change of subject. "Yes honey, why do you ask?" "Well, I suddenly realised we have seen Alexandra a lot lately, but not him. I had forgotten what the reason was. The last time I saw him, was at your mother's funeral...sorry, Atticus." "Oh no, it's fine," Atticus said. "Honey, maybe I should tell you something, or maybe you already knew... Jack was in love with you, or is. I'm not sure, but that may also be a reason we don't see him so often." Jean stared at him in disbelief, then laughed. "No, I didn't know...do...oh! You two are not having a fight about...about me?" Atticus smiled too. "No honey, we never talked about it since he told me he was in love with you. I don't know why I told you...I hope you're not embarassed. You know Jack can't live with anyone except for his cat." "No, I'm not embarassed..." Jean said. "I'm flattered. I hope you understand I don't love him in that way, don't you?" "Of course I know, honey.," Atticus said. "Shall we change the subject?" Jean agreed.

They walked through town some more, after their lunch, but it was getting onto five when they both felt like going back to the hotel. There they made love, quickly and fiercely. They were in each other's arms for a while, chattering about their children and how they loved each other and Scout and Jem. But all over sudden, Jean got serious. "Honey," she started. "I'm scared sometimes." Atticus kissed her neck. "Scared of what, sweet?" She looked up. "You know that there's a heart defect running in my family. My grandfather, one of his sisters, ancestors before...my mother...you remember? She died not long after I got pregnant with Jem." Atticus nodded. He knew and remembered. Jean had suddenly gotten a call telling that her mother had dropped dead. She was devastated, but unable to cry until that night. "Atticus, do you understand? What if I...or what if I gave it to our children, too?" "You did not, Jean," Atticus said. "Your mother was old when it happened. You're right, there is a chance, but it will not happen. I love you way too much for that, and we both love Scout and Jem too much for it." Atticus knew that his answer didn't make much sense, but didn't want to think about a future in which he would lose his wife, or one of his children. "I won't be able to live without you Jean. Your heart is perfect." Don't be scared, it won't happen. And when it does, it's when you're getting close to a hundred. I love you." Jean discussed the subject no more, but offered the idea of going out for dinner. She was starving and it was getting late. At the bar where they went to, there would be dance music. Jean and Atticus took their chance and swung around the dance floor, laughing happily. It was somewhat after midnight when they walked back through the dark streets. Jean, still full of energy, hung onto Atticus's arm and sometimes swiftly made a dance turn, causing Atticus to be pulled with her. They arrived at the hotel, and when Atticus was opening the lock, Jean carefully traced kisses over his neck, her arms clasped around his waist. "You're torturing me," Atticus said, fumbling with the lock. When he finally got it open, they half-fell into the room. "Honey," Atticus spoke in his low voice, "I love you." It seemedseemed to launch off their wildly ripping off clothes and kissing each other everywhere hungrily. They dropped on the bed, Jean still busy with Atticus's fly. "God, honey, why are you wearing so many clothes," she groaned between kisses. "Why do you," Atticus rumbled back. When they finally were naked, they encountered a wild act of desire and passion, full with kisses, loud groans and heavily slamming hips. After reaching their climax, Atticus rolled off Jean, panting loudly. He pushed his head against the side of her chest. Sweat off his hairline dripped onto her her breast. Jesus Christ," Jean whispered when she finally got air.

AN: Alright, I assume you are expecting I'm getting close to Jean's...no. There are still some chapters left, I don't want to think about it! I hope this chapter about a day in Montgomery didn't disappoint you, it was impossible to find interesting things there before 1960 and therefore I put in some random stuff about Jack...well, I hope the rest made it up to you :)


	12. Chapter 12

W

AN: I didn't have time to work on my stories! Hope you'll forgive me, and now enjoy :)

Atticus woke up the next morning with Jean in his arms. Today, she would be going home again. It was time for him to get up for a day's work and he carefully shook her awake. "Honey," he whispered when Jean opened her eyes. "We'll have to get up. You gotta catch your train." Jean smiled tiredly. "Hmmm..." she said, a sound that took almost ten seconds to finish. Atticus gently lifted her off the bed and set her on her feet. About one and a half hour later, they got into the car so that Atticus could drop off his wife at the station to catch the train to Maycomb Junction. When they arrived, Atticus walked around the car to open up Jean's door, had she not done it herself already. Before she walked away, Atticus took her arm. "I really loved being alone with you these days." he said. He kissed her on her forehead. "Kiss the children for me, will you?" Jean smiled. "I will, darling. I loved it too. Goodluck the rest of the week, okay? I'll see you soon." "Thank you," Atticus said, kissing her quickly on her lips. "See you!" He stared for a moment at his wife's retreating back, until she turned around and waved. He raised his hand and slowly returned into the car. It was now that he thought again of what she'd said about her heart. He couldn't imagine a world without her and suddenly started to worry. However, he quickly shook off his concerns and drove straight to the state legislature. When Jean arrived at Maycomb Junction, she realized neither she nor Atticus had thought about how she should get back to Maycomb itself. She sighed at the thought off walking all the way back through the pressing heat typical for the beginning of Southern fall with her suitcase, but started walking anyway. However, when she wasn't even a couple of meters away from the station's steps, she was stopped by a man. "Mrs. Finch?" After her questioning nod, he continued: "Your husband made sure I'd bring you to Maycomb by taxi. The car's over there." Jean laughed to herself while she walked over to the taxi. How could she even think Atticus wouldn't have thought about how she got back.

After she got dropped off (Atticus had already paid the bill) at their house, Jem came running down the steps to meet his mother. "Goodday, sweetheart,"Jean called out. "Oh, I missed you so much," she added when she took her son into her arms. "I thought Atticus would be with you," Jem said. "No, he's staying in Montgomery for the rest of the week." Jean answered. "I thought you knew." "I did indeed," Jem said and Jean laughed. "And where's your little sister?" she said, walking through the door. "Where's my Scout?" Clinging to Calpurnia's hand, the called Scout walked out of the kitchen. When she saw her mother, however, she pulled loose and jumped between Jean's spread arms.

When Jean had greeted her children, she stood up and looked at Calpurnia. "Hello Cal. I'm so grateful you took care of these two. Did everything go alright?" Calpurnia laughed at her. "Yes, mrs. Finch, we had a real good time together. Do you want a cup of tea?" "Yes, I'd like that...I'm glad everything's okay." She sat down at the kitchen table. "Did you have a nice time, Mrs. Finch?" Calpurnia asked? "Yes, it was great, thank you, Cal. We had lots of...fun," she answered, regretting that she said that last sentence. She felt her cheeks get flushed and Calpurnia smiled at her. "I get it, mrs. Finch. Good to hear you had a nice time. Mr. Finch is coming back at the end of the week, isn't he?" "Yes, he is. He had a day off, yesterday, but will have to work for the rest of the week indeed. Cal, you've been here days and nights...maybe you should take off as well this afternoon." Jean said suddenly. "That's really kind of you, mrs. Finch," Cal said.

The rest of the day was now left for Jean to spend time with Scout and Jem. She enjoyed the time, but when it got after six, she realized how much work Atticus did after that time, and Calpurnia during the day. However, she didn't question the last bit: it was more than usual at that time in that place to have a maid helping to take care of children. Her thoughts were interrupted by Jem. "Mama, what's marryin'?" Jean looked up. "Uhm, it's when a man and woman really love each other and that gets official. Papa and I are married. Listen, you better ask your daddy if you want a real good explanation. You know he's extremely well at explaining things, dear." "Yeah, he is..." Jem mused, "but you're really good at playing games with us and making cakes and making jokes and stuff like that...you can even play football well...well for a woman, then. Atticus is more of the serious kind...I mean, what can he do well apart from explaining things?" "Your daddy is good at a lot of things," Jean said. She smiled, thinking of their nights together. "He's good at everything a lawyer does, and believe me, that's a lot. Do you know, Jem...he can dance really good?" Jem laughed. "Well..." he said. Jean laughed. "That's why you've got both of us. Daddy's really good at explaining things, and I'm not. But I'm better at playing games, and he's too tired for that when he gets back from work. Maybe you should ask him once he's not that tired. He might be really good, I've never tried!" That's when Scout came in. "Hello baby," Jean said. "Are you joining us?" Scout climbed on her mother's lap.

Dinner was finished, and it was time for Scout and Jem to go to bed. ""Shall I read to you this time?" Jean asked. Jem shook his head. "No...that's something Atticus's good at."

AN: That's it for today! With this chapter, I wanted to show you a bit the way Jean is as a mother, because in the next chapter...well, you know. I'll continue a few more afterwards, though, to show Atticus coping with his loss and his children. Until then! And thank you, by the way, for all your sweet reviews.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Well, I didn't leave much of a cliffhanger at my last AN... but here you are!

At the end of the week, Jean , Scout and Jem were just finishing dinner when they heard a car pull up in the driveway. "Atticus!" Jem called out. He let his fork and knife klatter onto the table and ran through the hallway to meet his father. When Jean and Scout were getting up, Atticus came in with Jem on his arm and his hat still on. "Goodevening, ladies! I see I'm interrupting your dinner?" He set Jem on his feet, hugged Scout and put her on his hip as well. "Hello darling," he then said, kissing Jean. She laughed at him. "Atticus, have you eaten?" she asked. "Yes, I had dinner in Montgomery. The journey went very well, there was almost no traffic so I'm here quite early. Everything alright here as well?" "Everything's fine, dear." Jean answered. Atticus walked to the kitchen. "Evening, Cal! How are you?" "Fine, Mr. Finch, how are you," she answered. Atticus gave Scout another kiss on her forehead and carefully put her back into her chair. "I'll sit here with you. Please don't let your dinner become cold because of me." he said. "You look tired, Atticus," Jem said between two bites. Atticus laughed. "I'm pretty tired indeed, son. We had long days," he said. "But I did find some time to bring you something..." he reached down to a paper bag next to his chair and took out a magazine for Jem and pencils for Scout. They thanked him and left the table with a lot of noise. Jean noticed that Atticus pressed his fingers onto his forehead and looked at him concerned. "You got a headache?" she asked. Atticus looked up. "A bit, honey." He reached back to his neck. "My neck and shoulders feel completely stiff," he said, then looked up and smiled at his wife. "Looked at my papers too much," he concluded. Jean shook her head. "I'll try to make it better tonight," she said, which provoked a strange look from Atticus. "I mean, just massage it," she added laughing.

Later, Scout and Jem asked their father whether he would read to them. "I'm sorry," he answered, "not today. Tomorrow's another day, alright? Come here, kiss me goodnight." This would be the last time he denied his children their reading time with him. About half an hour after Scout and Jem were brought to bed, Atticus said to his wife he was going as well, he was very tired from the week. She nodded, then looked up. "No, wait! I should try to loosen up your neck, remember? You can get ready for bed, I'll do it just then." Atticus nodded. He was laying in bed when Jean came in. "That's alright, sweet. Just take off your shirt." She was squeezing Atticus's shoulders when there was a knock on the door. "Mama?" Jem's familiar voice asked. "Yes, honey! Wait a minute!" Jean said, throwing the covers over Atticus, whose pyjama shirt wasn't the only garment taken off in the mean time. Jem, eventually, went away after Jean and Atticus had both assured him that there was nothing underneath his bed. He was surprised, though at the bareness of Atticus arm that hugged him."Too hot," Atticus explained simply. "Good night, son." The two laughed when Jean closed the door after their son. "Is it better now?" Jean asked? "Yes," he repeated, "but I think I'd better get my pyjamas on before more children come running in here." She laughed and disappeared into the bathroom, and when she returned Atticus was already fast asleep. Careful not to wake him, she laid down next to him, pressing a kiss on his forehead. Atticus's arm went around her, but he didn't open his eyes. "Night, sweet," she whispered, and fell asleep.

About two weeks later, Atticus walked home from a long day at his office. He'd spent the working hours looking down at divorce and tax papers, making it difficult for him to keep his eyes open right now. The idea of having dinner and an evening without any appointments alone with his wife and children however kept him smiling and greeting passengers he was acquinted with, and also those he wasn't acquinted with. When he had crossed some houses at Maycomb's main street, he saw the Finch's porch was empty. He didn't think strange of it: sometimes, his wife would be waiting for him, sometimes Jem or Scout came to him, or sometimes they were all three inside the house. It was clearly one of those days. He greeted Miss Stephanie Crawford and Miss Dubose, for whom it was no exception to sit there; Stephanie would look for gossip or people to be an unreliable news source for and mrs. Dubose had nothing else to do and probably wasn't able to do anything else. He took his hat off to mrs. Dubose and was then stopped by Stephanie: she'd heard these people were divorcing and these people were this and what could Atticus say about that? Atticus shrugged: there was nothing he could or wanted to add to her stories. He walked further, there was of course no one at the Radley porch, neither was Maudie Atkinson sitting on hers. Miss Rachel was just going inside; she waved at her neighbour and disappeared through the door. Atticus had reached his own house. He walked through the front yard. A cold gust blew past his face and Atticus shivered: days were surely getting colder and shorter. He had nearly finished climbing up the steps when he saw something sticking out from behind the wisteria vine. A shoe. Jean's shoe. Atticus went pale. Quickly, he walked further and pushed away the plant. He gasped for air. "Cal?" he screamed with an unsteady voice. "Cal, call the doctor!"

"Atticus. I'm so sorry, Atticus." Atticus looked up. Dr. Reynolds hand was on his arm. He nodded, unable to speak. He was leaning on the balustrade on the other side of the porch. There, he had a good view on Jean's body and all the people standing around her and on the rest of the porch. He couldn't speak, couldn't think, didn't feel anything. "Jem, stay here!" Atticus heard Cal's voice yell inside the house, but Jem slipped through the door. He looked around, then found Atticus's eyes. He smiled, and manoeuvred himself between the people on the porch. Atticus felt himself sink to his knees and take his son in his arms."What's going on, Atticus? I'm hungry," he said. When he got no answer, Jem continued: "Where's mama? Cal's keeping me inside and doesn't say anything. Scout's in bed already. What's going on?" Atticus shook his head. "Everything's gonna be fine," he heard himself say. "Everything's gonna be fine." He looked past Jem's face, his eyes stuck to the sight of Jean's covered body being carried away. Jem tried to look in that direction as well, but Atticus was conscious enough to push his son's head to the other side, his face into Atticus's shoulder. "It's all gonna be fine," he whispered again, this time followed by a frustrated response from Jem. "What's gonna be fine? Atticus, what is the matter?" Atticus didn't answer, but slowly got up with Jem wrapped around him. When he was standing, he looked into Miss Maudies face. "Atticus...I don't know what to say...I'm so incredibly sorry." Atticus nodded again. She looked at him for a second, then walked back to the other side of the street. Atticus walked inside. He felt stiff, not knowing how long he had stood on that porch. In the house, he almost bumped into Calpurnia. She said nothing, but took the heavily protesting Jem over from him and walked to his bedroom. Atticus went out again, back to his safe spot at the porch's corner. There, he accepted each "I'm sorry" and "If you need anything, Atticus" with a single nod. Eventually, he found himself alone. He rubbed his arms, suddenly realising how cold he was. When he looked up, it was pitch dark. He shook his head again and stiffly walked inside the house, finding Calpurnia standing in the kitchen. "Cal..." he said weakly. "I'm sorry...I'll bring you home..." She shook her head. "I can stay at Miss Maudies, Mr. Finch. I will be here in the morning quickly and...well. I'm so incredibly sorry, mr. Finch. I don't know what to say." Atticus nodded. "See you." he whispered. He fell into a chair at the kitchen table and stared in front of him. Calpurnia stood there for a second, waiting, then walked out and came back with a blanket. She dropped it over Atticus's shoulders, dimmed the light and left the house without another word.

AN: Sad...I'm sorry if I made this one too long, I couldn't find a right moment to stop. Probably, I'll come up tomorrow with the next chapter.


	14. Chapter 14

When Calpurnia returned to the Finch house early in the morning, she found Atticus still in the same position she'd left him the night before, the only thing changed the thickness of the bags under his eyes. "Morning," she said softly, a greeting answered by a small nod from Atticus. She went into the kitchen, messing with the dishes when she heard Atticus ask: "Cal? Could you...could you call Alexandra and tell her it? And ask her then to inquire...Jack...and...God, I don't know...I believe Jean doesn't have much family left..." "Yes, mr. Finch," Cal said and she walked to the phone.

Alexandra had was shocked, but she told Calpurnia that Atticus shouldn't worry about calling people, she'd tell everyone and come as soon as possible. That, indeed, was soon: about an hour later, she stood in front of the door. In the mean time, both Scout and Jem had waken up and were now sitting with Atticus on the breakfast table. Inquiries about where mama was, were answered by Atticus with a "I'll tell you after Aunty's gotten here." The only idea behind this was that he tried to hold off the moment he'd have to speak out what happened: she was dead. Cal had opened the door, and after a short greeting Alexandra rushed to the kitchen. She stood in the door for a second, looking into Atticus's eye, who then got up and walked to his sister. "Atticus..." she whispered and took him into her arms. Atticus said nothing, but closed his eyes and returned her embrace. When they got loose, Alexandra walked to Jem and kissed the top of his head, then ruffled Scout's hair. Atticus coughed. "Jem...would you come with me to the livingroom? Alexandra, if you'd please stay here, you can have my breakfast." For some reason, he was comfortable with Alexandra's presence and the order she emitted, a characteristic that made him usually feel uneasy. Jem shrugged and walked with his father.

In the living room, Atticus sat down and let Jem climb on his lap in a way he could look straight at him. He collected his breath for a couple of seconds, hoping he would be able to tell Jem properly what was going on. "Son," he started, carefully brushing a strand of hair away from Jem's forehead. "You remember what happened to your grandmother a couple of months ago?" Jem nodded. "She died," he said. Atticus nodded and swallowed. "She was very old. And when you're old your heart stops on a certain moment." He took Jem's hand and placed it onto his chest. "That's your heart beating, Jem. Mine's doing the same, and so is everyone else's. When someone dies, it's because his or her heart stops beating, mostly that happens when you're very old, as I said." He took a deep breath. "But, in mama's heart, there was something wrong. It stopped beating, yesterday." Atticus looked at his son, tears burning behind his eyes. "Do you...do you mean mama's dead?" "Yes, son. She died, way too early. I know it's unbelievawait and it'll take time to realize what happened but..." He dried up. A tear rolled off Jem's cheek onto Atticus's pants. "We'll never see her again?" "No, son. It's too much to understand." Atticus took Jem in his arms and stood up. He pressed his eyes closed and began walking past the book shelves. Slowly, he did the same he had done so often before. "You know, Jem..." he whispered, "when you were still a baby, you'd cry and cry. We couldn't make you sleep, until I, one night walked you past the books and spoke to you about them. It made me think you were gonna be a very special and intelligent boy. And now you are so big. And I was right." His story had nothing to do with the situation, but Atticus felt he had to say it. However, he stopped and pressed his face into his son's hair. He breathed heavily, but succeeded in his attempts not to cry. He hadn't cried yet, and was determined not to let it happen lest he was alone. Jem kept sobbing at his chest. Atticus stroked the back of his head and was silent. "It's all gonna be fine," the phrase he had used so often yesterday...he wasn't sure at all whether he himself believed in that anymore. Slowly, Jem was calming down. When his sobs were lessening and lessening, Atticus kissed the top of his head again. "Are you ready to be put down?" he asked softly. Jem hugged his father once more and nodded. "Ain't you crying?" he asked. Atticus smiled sadly. "Not yet, son. I've unlearnt to cry a bit." He took Jem's hand and walked him to the kitchen. Calpurnia smiled at them sadly. Scout had been silent the whole morning, very unusual for her. Atticus didn't know what to do: should he tell her what was going on, but did she understand anyway? He decided to wait, and his thoughts were interrupted by Alexandra, who had been looking at him intensively. "Atticus, I'll run a bath for you. So you can unwind and rest a second," she said firmly. Calpurnia was already getting up, but Alexandra held out her hand and told her she'd go. "I'm alright," Atticus protested, but she was already gone. She returned some minutes later, telling him it was ready. "Cal and I can stay here while you're in the bathroom," she said. "Calpurnia, I'll be back soon." She nodded. "Yes Mrs. Fi...mrs. Alexandra." Atticus didn't hear her correction but walked after his sister.

They walked into the bathroom and Alexandra closed the door behind her. "Atticus...my sweet brother...what happened? God, I don't know what to say to you. It's too awful, honey." Atticus looked up. That would be the first time she called him honey, he thought. He swallowed. "I came back from work...I found her on the porch. She got a heart attack." He said it in short phrases, but suddenly looked up. "Alexandra...her chair was still rocking...it had just happened. What if...what if I had been there earlier..." He pressed one hand onto his face. Alexandra rushed to him. "Atticus, don't think like that. You wouldn't have been able to do something. God...I can't imagine how you must be feeling now. I'm so incredibly sorry, Atticus, so incredibly sorry." Atticus took his hand away. "I don't know what to do, Alexandra, I really don't. Calpurnia will stay, I reckon...I just told Jem what happened...he was devastated. Alexandra...they will have to grow up without a mother!" he suddenly said louder. She stroked his arm. "Atticus, it's gonna be alright. We'll all help you. Cal, indeed, everyone will help I'm sure. And don't forget you're great, Atticus. You are the best father I know." She decided to let it rest a second. "Your bath's getting cold, brother. You better get dressed down." Atticus looked at her surprised."I'll turn around, alright," she said. "We used to take a bath together, remember? Jack also, of course. You remember mama thought we were drowning him?" she stopped, afraid Atticus might not like hearing things like this, but when he turned around he showed a small smile. He was unbuttoning his shirt, but Alexandra saw his hands were shaking. She walked towards him and started doing it herself. "Thank you, Alexandra," Atticus whispered. "I'm glad you offered to come." "Of course!" she answered. "But, sweet, you gotta tell me when you want time alone with your children or so. I don't want to be in the way at anything, understood?" He nodded. "Thank you." His shirt was now unbottened and Alexandra carefully took it off and placed it over a laundry basket. She wanted to kneel down to loosen Atticus's shoelaces, but he stopped her and did it himself, although his hands were still shaky. When his pants had come off as well, he looked at Alexandra. She smiled and turned around until she heard him step into the bathtub. "Shall I leave?" she asked. "Or do you want me to stay?" Atticus shook his head. "No, please go ahead. Thank you." Alexandra walked away, but turned around at the door. "Call me when you're ready, alright?"

She returned to the kitchen and sat down with the children. She didn't know what to say, so sat in silence until she decided to go out on the porch. She greeted Miss Maudie and Stephanie, who were standing on the street. "Alexandra," Maudie said, "how's Atticus doing? We can't believe what happened." "What can I say?" Alexandra replied. "He lost his wife and is now left with two children. But he will come out fine, I surely believe that. I don't think, however, that he wants much interference in his business now. He'll say it when he needs help. I'm going back inside now." She returned inside the house. Jack would as well try to come as soon as possible. She thought about what else she could do.

In the mean time, Atticus had dried himself off. In the bath, he had decided that he would get through these days as fluently as possible, without crying or collapsing. He would start as soon he got back to the kitchen, he decided. He had put on a newly ironed suit and was now staring at his exhausted appearance in the mirror. However, he combed his hair, but his glasses on and took a deep breath. "It's gonna be fine," he said to himself. He breathed again , smiled and opened the door.

AN: I can't stop writing! I'm sorry if this got too long. Hopefully you don't find it boring, I'm trying to show the way Atticus is coping but doubt if I'm doing it very well.


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of the day had gone by in a rush. There was so much to arrange and so many people who came that Atticus didn't even have time to think about what had happened and what to do now. Jack had come in late in the afternoon and had embraced his brother in tears. However, he had spent the rest of the time with helping Calpurnia at entertaining Scout and Jem, who were both bored and sad. Atticus had tried to explain Scout what was going on; she didn't understand fully what happened but did know that she'd never see mama again. When Atticus had walked to his office to pick up some papers that afternoon, he was stopped by literally every person in town at that moment to say they were so incredibly sorry. There was food brought to their door, so much it drove Calpurnia insane. When it got bed time for the children, and Atticus took one of each's hand, Jem asked with a small voice: "Atticus? Would you read to us?" Atticus looked at him. "Alright son, but after that you really got to go. It's been a long day." They walked to the living room. Atticus picked up the paper, sat down, and pulled the two on his lap. He opened the paper and started to read, just the first article he saw. While he was reading, the door opened and Jack and Alexandra came in. They had been on the porch for a while and would go to Finch's Landing for the night. When they saw the sweet scene, Alexandra held her hand in front of her mouth and burst into tears, and with her did Jack. Atticus looked up, he hadn't slept for two days now and the last thing he needed were two crying people all over him while it was his policy not to cry. His siblings understood, however and shuffled into the kitchen. He looked down at the paper again, ignored the little incident and continued to finish the article. His voice was cracking lightly and he coughed. After he had read the last sentence, he quickly closed the papers and gently pushed the two off his lap. "Come on, it's getting late." He was irritated, suddenly and his children noticed too. "Atticus, are you angry?" Scout asked. "No, no, sweet. Just tired." He kissed her head and lifted her. "Jem, please get ready, I'll first bring Scout alright?" he said. Atticus walked with his arms wrapped around his daughter to her bedroom. Carefully, he took off her overalls and draped them over a chair. He reached out for her pyjamas, pulled them over her head and lifted her so he could lay her down. Scout sat up straight and opened her arms. Atticus laughed and hugged her. "Goodnight, sweet." he said. He closed the door and walked to Jem's room, where he found Jem already under the covers. "You're quick," Atticus said and sat down. He looked at Jem and found it hard to keep his eyes open. "Son," he said, "do you mind if we talk tomorrow? I'm too tired to think." "Me too," Jem said and Atticus smiled. He hugged his son closely and wiped away the tears that rolled over his small face. Jem turned his head away and Atticus stroked his hair. "It's alright to cry, son, it's alright. Try to get some sleep, though." He turned off the light, then waited. "Do you want me to stay with you until you're asleep?" he asked. "No," was Jem's muffled response. "Alright then," Atticus said softly. "Goodnight."

He walked down to the living room, where Jack and Alexandra were waiting."Atticus, there's just a couple more calls to make," Alexandra said. "After that, go to bed, brother. You haven't slept in days and you must feel like that." Atticus nodded and walked to the phone. It was around ten when he finally finished the last call. He plumped down in a chair then and mopped his face. "Atticus, go to bed." Jack said. "Alexandra and I are going back to the Landing, I can drive. Try to get some sleep." Atticus nodded. "Yes," he managed to get out. "See you." When he heard the door slam and Jack's car drive away, he stood up and dragged himself to the bathroom. While he undresssed, he looked at his mirror image. He almost didn't recognize himself; the bags under his red eyes, beard of one day and the hair, one big mess of constantly moving his hands through, seemed to belong to another man. Atticus quickly brushed his teeth and washed his face. He walked to the bedroom then and pulled his pyjamas on. When he turned around, he saw Jean's neatly folded pyjamas sticking out from underneath her pillow. He stared at the garments and slowly felt anger build up in himself. He kicked hard at the corner of the closet, then stared at his painful foot. The next moment he fell onto the bed and cried with his face into the pillow. "Goddamnit!" he cried a couple of times, then looked up, afraid he'd been too loud. "Goddamnit," he said, softer this time, sobbing loudly. He stood up and switched off the light. He laid down and deeply inhaled and exhaled. Inhale...and exhale...he thought. He tried to let it be his only thoughts. Inhale...and exhale...

Tomorrow would be the day of Jean's funeral. Everything was arranged and done, and when Atticus woke up it almost felt like a normal day, until he looked up and saw his wife's empty side of the bed again. They would go see her today. Atticus hadn't wanted her in the house, afraid it might scare Jem and Scout, but go and say goodbye to her this afternoon. Atticus was sitting on the breakfast table, and suddenly realized something. "Cal?" he asked. "Yes, Mr. Finch?" "Cal," Atticus said, "I've been thinking all the time: well, we'll do fine, we've got me and you, but I suddenly realize I haven't asked you...Cal, do you want to stay here? You know I'll pay you well, but you'll have to make long days...I'm offering you a job here as long as you want to. You yourself have to decide, but I hope with all of my heart that you want to work here." Calpurnia smiled. "Of course, Mr. Finch. I'm staying here as long as I can if you want me to. We'll make the best of it, Mr. Finch. It's gonna be alright." Atticus looked at her, his lips pursed together. "Thank you." he whispered. He quickly pushed his chair back, stood up and turned around. He blew his nose and let out a sob, took a deep breath and sat down again. "I'm sorry," he said. "Listen, Cal, we're going to say goodbye to Jean this afternoon. Do you want to come?" Calpurnia shook her head. "Thank you , mr. Finch, but I said goodbye without seeing her. Thank you."

After lunch, Atticus took Jem to the living room and sat next to him. "Listen, son." he said. "Today, we can go say goodbye to mama. You know she will not answer. It will look like she is asleep. If you don't want to go, it's alright. I can imagine you want to remember her alive. But you might like to see her one more time. You may decide. Take your time, we are only going in about two hours." He then stood up and walked out, leaving Jem alone. Atticus went to his study. He hadn't thought about work, but now realized he would have to catch up a lot. He couldn't concentrate though, and just wanted to get out when Jem came in. "Atticus, I want to see her," he said firmly. Atticus smiled. "Alright, son. I think it's a good decision. And even if you change your mind, you can always go back."

Atticus and Jem were picked up by Jack and Alexandra. Scout had firmly declared she didn't want to go. When they arrived, Atticus took a deep sigh before he got out of the car. He didn't know how he would react, and he would first go in with Jack and Alexandra. They were shown to the room by a clerk of the mortuary, who stayed with Jem before Atticus called him in. When they opened the door, Atticus got in first. "Christ," he whispered, and felt his eyes become watery. "Good lord." he heard Alexandra say. Jack was silent. Atticus took a shaky breath. "Get Jem in," he said. Alexandra opened the door. When Jem walked in, Atticus lifted him. "It's just like she's asleep indeed," Jem said calmly. Atticus buried his face in Jem's back and sat down. He heard Alexandra and Jack whisper a prayer. "Atticus, we'll wait outside," he heard his sister say softly. He raised his head, cheeks streaked with tears. He nodded. "Bye, mama," Jem said, and got off Atticus's lap. "I...I'm there in a minute," Atticus said wearily. Jem left the room and Atticus finally cried. When he got out some minutes later, he saw Maudie Atkinson waiting to get in. "Atticus," she said. "See you," Atticus answered. He didn't feel like talking and was silent all the way home.

AN: Well, I'm glad when I'm through this all...I guess there are about three chapters to follow, only one more about the funeral. Until then!


	16. Chapter 16

AAN: Honestly, I will be glad when I'm finished writing about Jean's death. You must have noticed that her family isn't very prominent in the story; I have read stories from people who are way better at that :)

Today would be Jean's funeral. Atticus woke up at three in the morning from a nightmare, finding himself covered in sweat. With his right arm, he sought the warm body of his wife, but remembered again when the bed sheets next to him felt cold and unslept on. Atticus sighed and pushed his head further into the pillow. He placed his hand on his heaving chest and tried to remember whether he had screamed after waking up, afraid of having woken his children. When he heard nothing but the wind around the house, he stood up and first walked to Jem's room, opened the door slightly and saw his son sleeping peacefully. He walked in and kissed Jem's forehead as gently and carefully as possible. Indeed, he didn't wake up but shifted onto his side. Atticus wanted to sneak out, but when he was almost at the door, he knocked his bare foot against the door post. He let out a cry of pain, causing Jem to shift again. Atticus hobbled out and closed the door, to lean against it and examine his foot. As it was the same one he had kicked another wall with on purpose, he decided it was his own fault that it hurt so bad and walked on to Scout's room. He opened the door and smiled when he saw her: she always tossed around so much at night that there were blankets all over the place, and her pillow had fallen onto the floor. Knowing she always slept very tight, he felt it safe enough to put it back where it belonged. He picked up the cushion, lifted Scout's head and placed it underneath. He then kissed her forehead as well and walked out, this time paying extra attention not to hurt his same foot again. After he'd closed the door, he went back to his own bedroom and hung the damp sheets through the window. Then, he picked up a book and went to the kitchen to read.

Calpurnia came in around half past six. "Morning, Mr. Finch. Have you slept in here?" she asked jokingly. Atticus smiled. "No, I woke up at three and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm going to take a shower in a moment." Calpurnia nodded, then looked at him seriously. "Are you ready for today, Mr. Finch?" she asked him sadly. "I'll manage to get through, I hope," Atticus answered wryly. "You know, yesterday and the day before, I still had this idea like, 'well, maybe it's all a mistake,' but after today I won't be able to think that...it's all so definite, now."Calpurnia nodded. "I'm so sorry, sir." "I wish you could come," Atticus murmured. "We can act like you have to help me keep Jem and Scout in their place during the ceremony." She shook her head. "No thank you, sir. By the way, I have a lot to do here for the buffet." Atticus's eyes widened and he threw his head back. "Good Lord...I totally forgot about that...Cal, I can't handle that...but I have to, haven't I? Just say yes." he added quickly. "Unfortunately, Mr. Finch...yes." Atticus stood up. "Thank you. I'm going to take a bath now if you don't mind, before Scout and Jem get up." He walked to the bathroom.

When Scout and Jem walked into the kitchen together, Atticus was already having breakfast, wearing a dark suit. He greeted them with a nod and a warm smile. "Hey Atticus, Cal," Scout said, and rolled her eyes at Jem, who sat down without saying anything. She wanted to say more, but Atticus shook his head to her and she closed her mouth. "Atticus? Do we have to go in black as well?" Jem asked. "Well," his father replied, "it's customary to wear dark clothes at a...a funeral. " "I don't even have black clothes," Scout muttered. "You got a dark blue one," Cal interrupted. Atticus managed to smile. "See? Besides, this is my only appropiate suit as well so I gotta watch not to spill." Right when he said it,he dropped the piece of toast he was holding onto his pants, the side with marmelade down, causing Jem and Scout to chuckle. Atticus looked at them semi-angry, then quickly went to the sink.

"Atticus? What's actually gonna happen today exactly?" Jem asked when they finished breakfast. Atticus leaned back and flattened his tie. "I was going to tell you two that just now. Listen..." After he finished his story, his children looked at him shocked. "Whaddaya mean...put in the soil?" Jem asked worriedly. Atticus looked at him, a sad smile on his face. "She can't feel anymore, son. What I just told you, happens to all people who have passed." "But Atticus...what happens then? When she's...under it?" Atticus put his fist against his lips. "I...I can't tell you exactly, son...but a body dissolves...on a certain moment, there's nothing left. But her soul stays, you know that." Jem looked up and burst into tears. He stood up and crawled into Atticus's lap, who wrapped his arms around him. "Scout, shall we go dress you up?" Calpurnia asked tactfully, leaving Atticus and Jem alone. "It's alright, son, it's alright." Atticus whispered to his son and silently hoped he could contain himself during the ceremony, especially if Jem was to cry again. He took out his handkerchief and wiped Jem's face. "It's alright." he whispered again, and kissed Jem's forehead. "Are you ready to prepare? Cal's put your clothes on your bed. You can take a shower...do you want me to help you?" Jem slid off his lap. "No sir." he said bravely. "I'll manage. Cal's with Scout, isn't she?" Atticus nodded. When Jem walked away, he kept staring through the hall. He wanted today to be over.

Two hours later, the three Finches walked to church. The funeral was sad. Although the ceremony was steeped with tears, Atticus's, Jem's and Scout's eyes kept dry. However, it was when the choir sang, almost at the end of the service, that Atticus noticed Jem next to him crying. He didn't know what to do, but wrapped an arm around his son and wiped his face with his handkerchief. Unfortunately, the choir stopped, and in that still moment, Jem's sobs were heard throughout the entire church. Atticus heard the whispers around him: "poor boy..." "no mother..." and suddenly felt tears filling his eyes. He blinked and blinked, thinking: " . Atticus, don't. Don't. No crying." but felt the tears roll down his cheeks nevertheless. Luckily, the priest proceeded speaking and Atticus wiped away his tears quickly. It didn't have any effect, though, tears kept streaming down. When the service was over, the tears on Atticus's face had dried, and so on Jem's. However, when they were standing besides the hole in the ground where Jean's coffin was disappearing in, he felt those tears in his eyes again and didn't try to stop them. Scout and Jem, each holding one of his hands, cried as well. "Is she going in there...Atticus she's going in there," Jem whispered all the time.

When the three arrived home for the buffet, there was not a sign of that emotional happening seen. They chattered with neighbours, accepted many "I'm sorry's" and didn't cry again until that night.

AN: that's it. I hope it didn't take too long or was too lengthy: I guess the beginning was very slow. Also, I haven't had the time to edit...Hope you 'enjoyed' anyway.


	17. Chapter 17

It was some weeks after Jean's death, and although their grief was still present and fresh, Atticus, Jem and Scout managed to get by, with the help of Calpurnia. Atticus would leave early and work hard so he was able to spend some time with his children in the evening and end of afternoon. It were exhausting days, but Atticus didn't care. He rather was busy all day than to have time he could spend thinking about his wife. At nights, he would toss around and finally stare onto the wall at the other side of the room, his hands propped under his chin. Sometimes, to fall asleep when the sun started coming up and wake up not much later, in cold sweat, but sometimes to stay awake all night. This Friday night was probably going to be the last option, Atticus thought to himself when he turned around one more time. Eventually, he got up to get a glass of water. When he looked out of the window while passing by, he suddenly remembered which day it was.

"Jem?" he whispered, softly shaking his son. Jem opened one eye. "What's going on?" "There is something you might want to see," Atticus said, immediately feeling stupid for waking his children at this time. "You don't have to," he added quickly, but Jem had already stood up. Atticus laughed at him, and together they walked to Scout's room. "I probably need more than a whisper for this," Atticus said, and walked into the room. He sat down on the bed and stroked Scout's cheek. "Scout, honey," he said. "Wake up." It took some time, but she opened her eyes and after Atticus's explanation got out of the bed as well. "Put on your coat," Atticus said, but he was assured that this was unnecessary. While he steered them to the back porch, he told the two not to speak too loud; they didn't want to wake the entire neighbourhood. Carefully, he pushed open the door.

"Look," he said, and pointed at the starry sky. "Wow," the two said admiredly. Atticus sat down on the swing and pulled Scout and Jem next to him. They sat in silence, until Atticus spoke up. "May I tell you something?" he asked. "Or do you just want to look in silence? Go back to bed?" He wrapped the sides of his bathrobe around his children. "Please tell us," Jem said and Scout nodded tiredly. "Well...When I and your mother had met..." he examined Jem's reaction. When he didn't display any extreme emotions, Atticus continued: "No, I'm starting off wrong...Many years ago...I saw your mother in a cafe in Montgomery. I thought she was incredibly beautiful and...we started talking. For some strange reason...she liked me too. We started seeing each other, every time I came to Montgomery, and you could say she was my girlfriend...well, we got into a relationship. A few months after we had met, there was this party because a coworker in the legislature celebrated his birthday, I believe he turned fifty. I took her with me as my company. It was a warm evening, but the party was in this hall...there was a band and almost every couple was dancing. We were a little late...you know women." He winked and pulled Jem and Scout closer. "You gotta tell me if you want to go to bed." he said. "No, go on sir." Jem said. "Well, you can sleep as long as you want tomorrow morning. Anyway... We started dancing as well, and after a couple of songs, the band played a jazzy song. Your aunt Alexandra would hate it, no doubt possible." He stared in front of him a second, then continued. "Your mama asked whether I knew the dance steps that belonged to the song, as she was familiar with it. I said no, but teach me. And so she did, and the song wasn't over, miraculously, when I knew the steps..." "Mama said you were really good at dancing!" Scout interrupted. Atticus looked at her. "Did she?" he asked. "I'm not very good, darling. Just coincidental, that time." He laughed. "Whatsoever, we danced. When that song was over, we went out for some fresh air. It was a warm night, although it was fall. We stood outside, and there was this beautiful view on the lights of Montgomery. Also, it was an incredibly clear sky, a starry sky, like right now. We stood there, looking at the sky, looking at the lights...and all over sudden, I decided to ask her to marry me. That happened exactly eight years ago." He stopped, and looked left and right from him. "Did you have a ring?" Jem asked. Atticus laughed. "I had nothing, son. I hadn't prepared for asking her that night, it just happened. She said yes, though." "That's really nice, Atticus," Scout said and yawned. "Yes, you ought to go to bed," Atticus said. "This isn't happening every night, understand?" He stood up. Jem and Scout followed him inside. When the two were back in their beds again, Atticus returned toto the back porch and sat down on the swing, just like ten minutes again. He swung his legs over the wooden swing and sighed. It seemed like yesterday.


	18. Chapter 18

AN: this is something I wanted to try...if you hate it, please do let me know. With this chapter, I hope to show Atticus isn't always able to control himself. I'm also making quite a jump in time...I actually don't know what I'm doing. Try to enjoy!

About two years later, it was time for Atticus to work a week for the state legislature. It's Sunday evening now and he will be leaving the next morning. "So you will really be back next Sunday?" "Yes, honey. Don't worry, the week will be over before you even get a chance to think about me. I will miss you, though." Atticus said to his daughter. She sat on his lap and had just interrupted their reading of the paper. "I will miss you a lot, too," Scout told him. Atticus closed his arms around his daughter and kissed the top of her head. "You're sure going to have a nice week, with Cal and Jem...maybe you're even glad for me to be away a little while!" He took Scout's head between his hands and winked. "Maybe," Scout said and they both laughed. "Come on, I'll get you to bed."

The next morning, Atticus was awake early. He looked in on his children's bedrooms, kissed their foreheads carefully and left in his car just when the sun was coming up. It was a week of of meetings until far in the evening, lengthy discussions and boring paperwork, and that Saturday evening, Atticus sat in a cafe, behind some boring papers and a boring glass of water, when a woman approached him. She sat next to him on a stool, and Atticus looked up. The woman had auburn hair, green eyes and and an ivory skin tone. "Goodevening," Atticus said pleasantly. "Goodevening," she replied with a northern accent. "Have you still got work to do, so late?" "It's never done," Atticus said, smiling. She smiled back and looked over her shoulder to the saxophone player. "I cannot imagine you're able to focus with that music in the background. Come on, put it away!" Slowly, Atticus leaned down to his bag and put his papers in, without looking away from her. "Can I offer you a drink?" he asked. "No, thank you," the nameless beauty replied. "Let's take a walk, outside." "Alright," Atticus said. They got out of the bar, and walked by the river. "Are you from here?" Atticus asked. "You don't sound very Southern." "No, I'm from New York. I'm just here for a week. And you...?" "Atticus." Atticus said. "Meryl." the woman said. "Nice to meet you, very nice to meet you. I don't live here, I work for the state legislature. I'm from Maycomb. I'm not offended if you're not familiar with it." "I'm glad," Meryl said. "So you're a lawyer, I assume?" "Yes." Atticus said. "Are you...are you married? You don't seem like the unmarried kind to me." Atticus paused a second. "My wife died, about two years ago," he said. "Oh...I'm so sorry." Atticus shook his head. "But let's not talk about that. I have two children. How about you?" "I got divorced a couple of months ago." Meryl said. "What age are your children?" "Four and eight." "Oh," she replied. They walked further in silence, until Atticus spoke up. "Uhm, my hotel's here around the corner," he said. "I...do you..." She looked up at him. "Let's walk some more," she said. They walked around, chattering. When Atticus came to the subject of Calpurnia,she sighed and asked: "Black?" Atticus nodded. "It's normal around here," he said. "But I'm not sure whether it's actually normal. But I can't manage, on my own." "I understand," she said, nodding. "But I'm shocked to see around here how dark people are treated. Things aren't fair in New York, but certainly not as bad as here." "I know...My help is paid well, treated well and do my best to teach my children that things like they are in Maycomb are not the way things should be, but I have the idea I'm alone in that." he said defendingly. Meryl nodded. "It's alright." she said. They had arrived at the hotel again. "I'd like you to come with me," Atticus heard himself say. Why? Atticus, what are you doing? What is this? he thought to himself. But he didn't stop himself. Meryl looked up. "Yes," she said. "I'd like that too. But, Atticus..." "Just one night," Atticus said, almost begging. He hadn't realized how much he had longed to be with a woman. He hadn't cared about his desires, not after Jean had died. "We...both have to go back home tomorrow," he said. "If you want..." "I'd love to spend the night with you," Meryl said directly. "No marriage, no consequences. Just one night." "Okay." Atticus said seriously, looking at her. Suddenly, they laughed together. Atticus decided not to think. His wife had died...didn't he have the...the right, after so much work, so much caring, so much grief...to allow himself, one time? He would just go along with what happened that night. "It's a long time ago," he said. "I hope you're not thinking women are here...to spend nights with men..." "Not at all," Meryl said smiling. "Please, not too much thinking. We both need it, I think that's what you mean as well. By the way, do you think I'd let a man use me? No way, Atticus Finch. I'm just as much using you as you're using me. We're not using each other. We need each other for tonight." Atticus smiled. He wasn't used to women being so direct, although Jean...no, not Jean. Must be New York, he thought.

They went in, and although the man at the reception looked a bit strange when Atticus asked for the key, no one said anything about the one-bedroom suddenly being entered by two people. Atticus opened the door and walked to the other side, put his bag against the wall and turned around. Meryl stood at the door. They slowly walked towards each other and started kissing. Jean...Atticus thought, but pushed the thought away. Meryl must have noticed. She pulled back and looked at him. Atticus quickly pulled her into another kiss, his hands roaming over her schoulders. She carefully removed his coat, throwing it to the other side. Atticus took off her coat as well, tossing it over a chair. They stopped kissing,and Meryl took off Atticus's vest and started loosening the buttons of his shirt. When it was half open, she placed both her hands on his chest, causing Atticus to take a shaky breath. She smiled and took a step back, as if inviting him to take off her clothes as well. Atticus slowly opened the zipper on the back of her dress and pushed part of it down her shoulders. He kissed her neck, and then Meryl took off his shirt fully. In return, Atticus loosened the hooks of her bra and dropped the garment on the floor. Meryl gasped, and softly pushed Atticus's face between her breasts. After some kisses, he pulled away. He didn't want be too passionate. She knew, probably, didn't ask any questions, but did whisper: "You don't want to lose control, do you?" Atticus smiled and shook his head, then bowed to take off both their shoes and socks. He removed Meryl's dress now fully and she stepped out of it. Atticus, now really decided to go along, took off his pants, underwear, her underwear, and pushed her on the bed. When they had finished, Meryl laid down with her head on Atticus's chest, her fingers moving on his hot and damp skin. They were panting loudly. Meryl thought about how much passion and desire there was in this man. Atticus, in the mean time thought about Jean, how he wasn't even allowed to do this, how it felt like sort of betrayal, but how it also felt so good. So good. He tried to stop these thoughts, feeling it was unfair towards this beautiful, smart woman on his chest. He kissed her head. "Darling," he said. "I'll leave early this morning. I got to go back home. I'd like to thank you. It was wonderful. I wish you all the best, Meryl." "Thank you, too," Meryl said sleepily. "I'm sure I couldn't come anywhere near your wife, Atticus...but hoped I helped you a little. I wish you the best of luck, too. And your children. I loved this, and it helped me anyway." There was no more to be said. Atticus kept stroking her hair, and noticed not long after that she had fallen asleep. He felt bad, but couldn't stop thinking about Jean. Indeed, nobody could come close to her. Not even this wonderful woman. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks, but let them. It was alright.

He woke around five, having not even had four hours of sleep, but carefully shifted out of the bed, took a shower and got dressed. Before he left, he kissed Meryl's temple, then went downstairs, paid, said not to clean the room before the woman had left, and drove away in his car. It had been the last night of his life he didn't spend alone.

AN: Well...I don't know what to think myself...I hope it was clear Atticus didn't feel like just one night sex, but that he felt guilty but not guilty and...well, I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter will probably be some sweet family thing, but I can't tell when I'll upload! Please don't give up on me completely if you didn't like it!


	19. Chapter 19

It was six days ago that Atticus had come back from Montgomery and he hadn't sleps since. At nights, he kept staring at the ceiling, feeling it impossible to close his eyes. Impossible to stop thinking about what he had done and impossible to stop thinking about Jean. Most of the time, all he felt was that he had betrayed his dead wife and guilt, sometimes, he tried to make himself believe that it wasn't that bad and that he'd never do it again, period. He had tried not to let anybody notice something strange about him; he had acted cheerful towards his children, who were immensely glad to see him back, acted like usual towards Calpurnia, acted like usual towards the neighbours and people at work. He wished there was someone to confide...to tell what happened to and not be judged immediately. Quite certain he was though, during this thinking, that he'd never tell anyone, not ever. Often, he cried while he let his mind wander over what had happened now and two years ago, and laid his head on a damp pillow. He didn't know what was going on with him. Somehow, it seemed like his "infidelity" had taken away his right to cry.

It was his third night in a row now that he spent looking at the ceiling and thinking about the betrayal towards his dead wife. So deep in his thoughts he was, that he didn't notice his daughter in the neighbouring bedroom get out of bed and walk to his room, sounds he was normally very attentive to. When there was a knock on the door, Atticus jumped and waited a second before calling "Yes?". Scout came in. "Honey, what's the matter?" Atticus asked, recognizing the faint silhouette of his daughter in the dark door opening. He swung his legs out of bed, but she said: "No, please stay. I couldn't sleep...May I stay here?" Atticus looked at her a second with a smile, sighed and threw the covers back. "Alright then, sweet. Just this night, okay?" Scout got in the bed and cuddled into Atticus's side. "Why couldn't you sleep, sweet?" "Don't know," Scout mumbled. "Well, I couldn't sleep either, so here we are now," Atticus said. He rolled onto his side and took his daughter into his arms. "Why couldn't you sleep?" Scout asked after a while. "Lots to think about," Atticus answered honestly. "I had a bad dream," Scout confessed. Atticus smiled. He knew there was something. "What was it about?" he asked. "Our family, you and Jem." It hurt Atticus that his daughter didn't and couldn't include her mother to the family, and he waited a second before he answered. "Jem and I are just fine, sweet. Try to get some sleep, it's very late." He pulled her even closer with his arm that laid protectingly over her small body. "I'm here right next to you."

Around five, Atticus woke up, glad to wake up from sleep. He kissed Scout's forehead and carefully climbed over her. After he quickly looked in on Jem, he decided to leave for work right after he had gotten dressed, to be able to come home earlier in the afternoon.

He came home around three o'clock, meeting Scout on the porch. "Good afternoon, honey." he said sunnily. "Shall we go get an ice cream? Jem's still at school, I'm afraid but I'll go with him another time." Scout was enthousiastic about the idea, and after informing Calpurnia, the two left. While they walked to town, Scout clutched onto Atticus's hand tightly. "So how was your day?" she asked. Atticus smiled at her question. "Fine, darling, fine. How about you? What have you been doing all day?" "Well, I slept pretty long, your bed's real nice...Calpurnia left my breakfast on the table...I went to Miss Maudie...oh, she said she had something for you, she'd step by today or tomorrow, when Jem had his break I tried to play football with him but he said I wasn't good enough so we rolled in the tire, Calpurnia taught me to write...oh, I used that telelens that Jem's given me to look over the neighbourhood...and then you came!" Atticus smiled. "Well, you've been pretty busy today. Taught you to write?" "Yeah, Cal said I was smart enough and she wrote something on a slate...she said that you teach me how to read everytime I read with you, and if she teaches me how to write I will be the smartest girl in Maycomb. " "Well, Cal's doing a very good job then." Atticus said, glad for Calpurnia's help. He would have to remember to thank her. They had arrived at the ice cream shop. Scout liked chocolate, and as the shopkeeper insisted Atticus should also take something, he chose a plain vanilla ice. The two sat down on a bench on the square and looked at the people walking by. "What were you thinking about tonight?" Scout asked. Atticus looked down at her. "You've got a pretty good memory, sweetheart!" Scout kept looking expectantly at him, however, so Atticus understood she wouldn't take that for an answer. "I've got lots to think about," he tried again. "I do too, but I can sleep after I think," Scout said. Atticus laughed and rubbed her neck. "You really want to know everything, don't you? Well, alright then...I was thinking about your mama." He would never have to say this to Jem, but Scout didn't mind talking about her mother, so had he experienced. She had often talked about Jean, resulting usually in Jem running away in tears and Atticus being on the verge of them. She nodded. "Do you get as sad as Jem thinking about her?" Atticus looked at her and smiled. "I try not to show you," he said, and apparantly Scout felt that he didn't want to talk more about it, because she dropped the subject. "Mrs Dubose talked to me this morning. Or well, she yelled at me. Atticus, she's mean!" "She's old, darling. Ignore what she says." Atticus said tiredly. He looked down. They had both finished their ice cream. "Look at me, darling," Atticus said, taking out his handkerchief to wipe her face clean. He released his hand under her chin. "Better." "Shall we go?" Scout asked, smiling happily. "Thank you, Atticus!" "You're welcome, sweet. Was it good?" She nodded. "Yes!" Atticus smiled at her and ruffled her hair. Scout jumped up from the bench, waiting impatiently for Atticus to get up. "Give me some time, baby," Atticus said smiling. "I'm an old man." When they had crossed the square, Scout tugged at Atticus's hand. "My legs are tired," she said seriously. Atticus looked at her. "I thought you were such an active young girl, Scout. Well, alright then..." He lifted Scout and swung her onto his shoulders. She cried out and clutched her hands under Atticus's chin. "Hold tight, Scout," Atticus said. He walked further. On their way, they met sheriff Tate, who called out: "Good afternoon, Mr. Finch,"then took his hat off for Scout. "Good afternoon, little Scout. You better hold on tight because your daddy's a mighty tall man!" They both laughed and waved at him. "Atticus your forehead's sweaty," Scout complained from above. "It's hot, darling," Atticus said while taking out his handkerchief. "I believe that normally it isn't this warm in October. And having you on my shoulders doesn't cool me off any!" He acted like he wanted to throw her off, causing Scout to laugh out loud. When they arrived at their house, Miss Maudie was on her porch and called: "Atticus Finch! I got something for you, I'm coming in a minute. Scout, you've got the best view in town right now!" "See you, Maudie," Atticus said, wondering what that could be. He put Scout on her feet. "Alright, sweet. Destination reached!" They went inside, where Jem was sitting with an annoyed look on his face. "Why didn't you take me?" he asked. "Oh, Jem," Atticus said, "I'll go get an ice cream with you as soon as we both have time, alright?" He ruffled Jem's hair. "Good afternoon to you too, by the way. Where's Cal?" Calpurnia stuck her head from behind the kitchen door. "Good afternoon, Cal." "Hello, Mr. Finch." "Jem? Shall we go outside?" Scout yelled and Jem stood up.

Atticus made himself comfortable on the kitchen table, and not long after Miss Maudie came in with a stack of photo albums. "What's this all?" Atticus asked, moving his finger along the albums. "Well, Atticus..." Maudie said slowly, "after, you know, Jean passed, you threw them out. Alexandra handed them to me, to keep them...I thought now might be the right time to give them back." Atticus dug into his memory. He had, indeed, thrown some things out after Jean had died. "Are you upto it?" she asked. Atticus nodded, although he wasn't sure if he could stand looking at things to do with Jean right now. She opened the first album. "I believe this is the wedding one, Atticus. Look, my husband is also somewhere in those photographs..." she pointed in a photo with guests. Atticus tried to smile, but couldn't actually see through the tears in his eyes. He tried not to blink because that would surely cause a tear to roll over his cheek. Maudie didn't seem to notice, she kept going through the albums. "Maudie..." Atticus said after a while with a hoarse voice, "I don't think I can do this now. Would you mind if I look through them later?" Maudie jumped up. "Oh, Atticus, I'm sorry! I wasn't even thinking about how...I'm so sorry, Atticus." "No it's fine," Atticus said, finally been able to blink away his tears, "don't feel bad now. Thank you for keeping them, I really appreciate it. Do you want a drink?" "No thank you, Atticus. It's about time to get dinner ready...Bye, Atticus!" She was gone in a second. Atticus felt a little guilty, but he really couldn't do this, thinking about how happy they were and now she's dead and he did that...that..." his fist landed on the kitchen table, causing Calpurnia to jump in the kitchen. "Are you alright?" she asked. "Yes, Cal, sorry." He picked up the albums and put them in the closet in his room, deciding to show it to Scout and Jem later. Then, he went to the phone and rang his brother. "John Finch." "Jack, it's Atticus. Could you come over here? Please. It's Saturday tomorrow." It was silent on the other side for a while. "For what, Atticus?" "I need to talk to you, Jack. Although I don't know if you're the right person but...please." He heard a sigh. "Alright then, Atticus. Only because you financed my studies, know that." He hung up. Atticus smiled to himself. He was pretty sure Jack wasn't the right person to talk to, but he really needed to tell someone what happened.

The next day around noon, a car stopped in front of the house. "There he is," Atticus said. "Scout, Jem, there is a fine surprise for you!" He walked out on the porch, followed by the two. When Jack got out of the car, they ran to him. "Uncle Jack, what are you doing here?" "That's something your father's gonna explain to me I hope. Jesus Christ, I believe you twoare going to outgrow your father!" He swung Scout around, then walked to Atticus and kissed his cheek. "What's going on brother?" "I'll talk to you after lunch, Jack, come in!"

It took a while, but around ten o'clock, Atticus and Jack were finally alone. Right when Jem left the kitchen, Atticus covered his hands over his face and dropped his head down on the table. He raised his head slowly and looked at Jack. "Jack..." he said, "I had sex with another woman." Jack looked up in surprise. "When?" "Week ago, when I was in Montgomery. She was divorced, my wife's dead, we both...well...Jack, I can't stop thinking about it. I hate myself for it. I can't believe how weak I am. Imagine, some pretty woman walks up to me and I immediately...I feel so guilty about it." "Towards who?" Jack asked calmly. Atticus looked up to him in disbelief. "Who do you think? My dead wife,maybe? Myself, a little? Who else do you think?" "Well, I don't think it's such a horrible thing, Atticus." Jack said. "You're leading this boring life for two years now and I can perfectly imagine that you needed some distraction. Just one night is not that bad." "My life isn't boring," Atticus said. "No, but you know what I mean. Alone with your children." "Yes but Jack I thought I was strong enough to be able to do that! Not to let my own desires prevail." He covered his face again. "I miss her so much, Jack. More than anyone can imagine. I miss how funny she was, and how intelligent she was and how she treated Jem, and Scout...she gave me them and it's the best thing I've ever gotten..." "Now don't become pathetic," Jack said. "I don't think this is all you miss about her. Go on." Atticus looked at him strangely. He felt tears begin to come up. "I miss how beautiful she was. How her hair looked when it was all wet." He looked up, into Jack's teary eyes. "Jack I shouldn't be telling you this. I know how you loved her too. I'll stop right here." Jack shook his head. "No Atticus, it's fine. I accepted you got her. Please, go on. Every little thing, at least so I've got something to imagine." Atticus rolled his eyes at him, but couldn't stop the smile he showed. He closed his eyes. "I miss how her kisses felt. I miss how her fingers went over my chest. I miss her body against mine. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and being able to take her hand and kiss her head." He stopped, wiping away the tears rolling over his cheeks. "Exactly, Atticus." Jack said, who was crying as well. "And what did you see when you met that woman? Exactly what you just said. Things like that happen, brother. Don't feel bad about it." He yawned. "I'm going to bed. I was up early this morning. Good night, Atticus. Try to sleep, because you look like you haven't." "Good night," Atticus said softly. He sat there for almost two hours, until finally deciding to get into his empty bed.

AN: I'm sorry if you think it's too long! I'm jumping a little from one thing to another and I hope you don't mind. Also, it's pretty unedited and I apologize.


	20. Chapter 20

AN: I think I'm going to end this story next chapter, maybe once in a while uploading a one shot. Now, I'm thinking about a proper ending for this story, but first finish this one! I've tried to write something including Atticus's sister Caroline who was suddenly mentioned in Go Set A Watchman. I hope it works!

On their way they were to Finch's landing, Atticus, Jem and Finch. The reason for their visit was the sudden return of Atticus's younger sister. For unknown reasons, Caroline was paying a visit to the Finches' homestead. Atticus was looking forward to seeing her after a long time; the last time he heard from her was when he received a letter saying she was sorry about Jean's death and the last time he saw her in person was at their mother's funeral. Caroline was eight years younger than him. Atticus had fond memories of the time he spent with his little sister when they were young. She was different from the rest of the family; more adventurous you could say, which was confirmed when she left the home at seventeen to marry a man from Mobile. In their youth, Atticus had played an actual brother-role towards Caroline. She would crawl next to him in bed when she was scared, which was practically every night and looked up to him very much. When Atticus left the house to go study law, she was still at the age of ten. From what Atticus heard, she changed by then and distanced herself from the other siblings, until she left at seventeen. With her husband, she moved to New Orleans and was only heard from once in a couple of years. But now, she was back. Scout didn't know her and Jem remembered her vaguely, but Atticus was sure Scout would like her; her aunt resembled her the most from the entire family

They stopped the car at the gate. Scout and Jem chagrined at the fact they would have to walk that far, but Atticus told them to hush. He put Scout onto his arm and took Jem's hand. "Come on," he said. They walked towards the house, but before they reached the door steps, a woman ran out of the house. "Atticus!" she called out. Atticus put Scout onto her feet, walked towards his sister and took her into his arms. "Oh god, Atticus I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I haven't gotten the chance to tell you so." Atticus squeezed her tighter and kissed the top of her head. Then, he pulled back and held her head between his hands. "It's so good to see you, Caroline," he said. "You haven't grown bigger, have you?" She laughed. Atticus was more than one head taller than she. "And there is my little niece!" she exclaimed, hugging Scout. "Good god," she said, "you are like a copy of your father do you know that?" Scout smiled shyly. This aunt was a whole lot different than Aunt Alexandra. "Nice to meet you," she said politely, a phrase that was answered by a "Oh, how polite you are! Atticus, how do you do that?" She then turned to Jem, kissing him as well. "Come on, let's go inside," she said, turning to Atticus. "I don't need Alexandra telling me I'm a disgrace the tenth time for staying out too long." "She must be in a good mood, then," Atticus said. "Oh, well," Caroline said and put Scout on her hip. After greeting the rest of the family members, they had dinner together. "What's this all about?" Caroline asked when she saw Alexandra point Scout towards the small children's table. "Come on, put my beautiful niece next to me. I can't believe how much she looks like you, Atticus. You look like me a little, so that's good for me, isn't it?" Alexandra looked annoyed at her sister and moved the chair behind her back for Scout.

They sat on the dinner table a long time, and it was getting towards nine when Atticus announced his children should really go to bed. "Go wash your face, I'm coming in a moment," Atticus told them. When he returned and sat down again, Caroline looked at him seriously. "Atticus, how are you doing?" she asked. "I've thought much about you, lately, that's why I came, actually...although I also wanted to see you two again," she said sweetly towards Jack, who probably didn't hear anything and Alexandra, who was going around with a bottle. "But really, Atticus, do you manage? I was so sorry to hear about Jean...good Lord. Do you even want to talk about it? Please tell me if you don't." "No, no, it's fine," Atticus said. "I manage, I do alright. But I miss her terribly, I can't deny that. But well...I try to take what happens to me. I'm fine. Where's that husband of yours, by the way?" "He couldn't get away from work," Caroline said, sensing she should change the subject. "How's work going, Atticus Finch, Attorney in law? Jack, stop drinking." "Fine, fine," Atticus said smiling. "It's busy but I don't really mind actually. Stop drining indeed, Jack."

They continued like this, but around half past eleven, they all went to bed. Atticus's room was the one he had slept in the first eighteen years of his life. The last time he was at Finch's Landing, he still shared a room with Jean, but Alexandra had apparently been sensible enough to let him stay in a one-person bedroom. The room felt familiar and melancholic, and as soon as Atticus put his head on the pillow, he closed his eyes and slept. He didn't sleep calmly, though, pestered by nightmares and thoughts. Right in the middle of one of those dreams, he woke up at the feeling of someone tugging at his shoulder. "Atticus," a familiar voice whispered, "I think we should change our roles." "What?" he asked wearily, not opening his eyes yet. "I sleep in the room next to you," Caroline said, "and heard you tossing and scream softly." "It's impossible to scream softly," Atticus said, who had opened his eyes in the mean time. "Were you having a nightmare?" Caroline asked. Atticus nodded. "Move over," she said. She lifted the blankets, laid down next to her brother and pushed him aside with her hip. "What was it about?" she asked. Atticus said nothing, and she cuddled some more into his side. "I told you I've been thinking about you lots," Caroline spoke, "and when I did so, I always thought about how there was always a safe spot for me as long as you were there. You remember? I would crawl into your bed at nights. Maybe it didn't mean much to you, but it did and does for me. When you got married, I was immensely happy for your wife that she would now occupy that safe spot in your bed. A bit jealous, maybe even. I wasn't anymore when I saw her, I could only think how lucky you both were to have each other. I was sure you would also find a safe spot with herher. Not that you'd need that, you're a strong man. Don't get me wrong by the way, I found my second safe spot when I was seventeen, you know that. Well, Atticus...when I heard she passed, all I could think was: "He lost that safe spot he probably never needed." When I heard you, just then, I hoped I could maybe provide it for you in return tonight." "Thank you," Atticus whispered. "Of course I remember it, Caroline. I have fond memories of that. I'm glad you have, too. Lord, what sweet things you can say!" "Did you dream about Jean?" Caroline asked. "Yes. I 've almost gotten used to it, isn't that awful? I dream about her every night, Caroline, that is, if I fall asleep." "I'm so sorry, Atticus." "Usually, I wake up in cold sweat. But I'm so afraid I might wake up Scout or Jem, wake up screaming. I did one night, but talked myself out of it." "Hmm," his sister did. "Do you often think about her, apart from those nightmares?" "All the time, sweet, all the time. It's getting a little less lately, I enjoy spending time with Scout and Jem. But...you know what it is...I so wish I would've enjoyed those little things more. Bringing the children to bed, reading on the couch together, those dazed mornings on the breakfast table, feeling her warmth against me...things that seemed so evident. If I 'd just enjoyed those a little more, maybe I wouldn't miss them now." "Of course you would still miss them, Atticus. But maybe you're right. I don't know, my husband's still with me. I can't imagine what you've been going through." "Me neither." Atticus said. "Have you actually known her?" "On the surface...the last time I saw her...I think with mama's funeral. She was beautiful, that's what I do know." "She was...what you just talked about, that safe spot...I think you were right. I didn't need it until that night after mama's funeral you know? I suddenly started crying, and she held me. When I think about how comforting she was, I think back to that. I try to give her qualities a situation, is that crazy? When I think about how strong she was, I think about Jem and Scout being born. When I think about how beautiful she was, I think about the wedding. Remembering how smart she was, I think about how she once read Shakespeare on the couch at night, and so on. Isn't that strange? Shouldn't I remember the whole, instead of those things in particular? You know, sometimes there are hours I manage not thinking about her, mostly when I'm at work. But, with the children, I can't but think about her. Jem looks so much like her that it's impossible not to think about her whenever I look at him, and Scout's personality is exact like hers. Also like yours, actually." They're great, Atticus, the nicest children I've ever seen. The boy's exactly her, you're right. I didn't want to say it rightaway, but he is. I believe it might be a real good way to digest everything, Atticus, by thinking of situations. I have great respect for you, do you know that?" Atticus smiled. He was glad to be able to share some of his thoughts with his sister, but he wasn't going to bring up his one night stand, Jack knowing was already enough. "Well," he said, "thank you, Caroline. This really seems like we're children again, don't you think? I missed you." She laughed. "Shall we gather Jack and Alexandra? Then it's complete." "Bed's a bit small, isn't it?" Atticus said smiling. "Hmmm," Caroline did, suddenly tired. Atticus pushed his head into the pillow. "Sleep well, Caroline." "You're right. Sleep well, Atticus. I'm here right next to you."


	21. Chapter 21

It was some time later that Atticus woke up fron a nightmare, just like he had the previous nights and the nights before that. He felt nauseous and got out of bed to go drink some water, maybe read a while before trying to go back to sleep. When he passed his children's bedrooms, he looked in on Jem, who was sleeping peacefully, and kissed his forehead. Then, he opened the door of Scout's room. It was dark and as he wasn't wearing his glasses, he decided to turn around and go to the bathroom. When he did turn, however, he thought he heard sobs coming from his daughter. He looked her way again. "Scout, are you asleep?" he whispered. "Atticus?" her small voice answered. Atticus walked into the room."Are you crying, honey?" he asked, a question answered by another short sob. "Oh, sweet," he said. He sat down on the side of the bed and stroked Scout's hair. "What's the matter, honey?" he asked several times. Finally, Scout mumbled: "Atticus, may I sleep with you?" Atticus sighed and smiled at her. "Alright honey, but we can't keep on doing this," he whispered. Scout swung her legs over the edge, but Atticus stopped her. "I'll carry you," he said, lifting her. He put her onto his arm and kissed her forehead. "Do you want to drink something?" he asked. Scout shook her head, her face pressed into his shoulder. "If you don't mind, I do," Atticus said and walked to the bathroom. He still felt somewhat nauseous. While he slowly drank a glass of water, he rocked Scout lightly. "Okay," he whispered and carried her back to his bedroom. He laid the half-asleep Scout down and quickly covered her with the sheet, then took out an extra blanket and wrapped it around her. As he continuously woke up in sweat, he always pushed the woollen blankets aside, in spite of the season. "Why were you crying?" Atticus asked, positioning himself next to her. "Scared," she said almost inaudibly from under the sheets. "Alright," Atticus said tiredly. "Well, you don't have to be anymore, I'm here right next to you." "I tried to get in next to Jem but he occupied the entire bed," Scout said. "Sorry to bother you." "You never bother me, I thought you knew that," Atticus said."Come here." He embraced Scout firmly. "Goodnight, honey." "Night."

About a week after that incident, of which Atticus never got to know the reason why Scout was so scared, Atticus noticed that Calpurnia wasn't there yet when he woke up, while she was usually at their house very early. He didn't think anything about it, she might have overslept. Just when he finished shaving, he heard someone knocking on the front door. Atticus sighed, mopped his face with a towel and walked through the hallway. When he opened the door, there was a small Negro boy waiting there. "Good morning," Atticus said surprised. "What is it?" "Goodmorning, sir," the boy responded nervously. "You are Mister Finch, ain't you?" Atticus nodded. "Calpurnia sent me over. She's sick and can't come here today. She said she was very sorry but she'd try to come back as soon as possible, probably tomorrow. She said breakfast is easy to prepare, there's lunch left from yesterday in the fridge and for dinner, there was a recipe on page 236 of a thick book in the kitchen that should be easy and for which you wouldn't have to go to the store." Atticus looked amused at the boy. "You've got quite a good memory, son. Did you have to get up this early to come and tell me this?" "Yes, sir. I live next door to Calpurnia." "Oh, like that," Atticus said. "Well, tell her I hope she gets better soon and not to worry, if she's still not feeling well tomorrow she can stay home another day...shall I write it down? Then you can just hand her the note, that's easier isn't it?" The boy nodded and Atticus held the door open for him. They walked into the kitchen and Atticus took a pen and paper. "Do you want something to drink?" he asked. The boy nodded. "Just some water, please, sir." Before Atticus started writing, he looked intensely at the boy, but quickly looked away when their eyes met. There was something about him...he reminded him of someone very much. He quickly wrote the note and handed it to the boy. "Thank you, sir. Are these your children?" he asked, pointing at a photo on the wall. Atticus nodded and smiled. "Is your wife not here?" he asked then. Atticus looked up. "No...she's dead." He didn't know why he told this this boy...but there was something about him and he couldn't grasp what it was. "Oh...I'm sorry," he said, looking at the floor. Atticus shook his head."It's fine. Thank you very much for coming and telling me. Wait a second..." he took his wallet out of his pocket and opened it. "Here you go," he said, handing the messenger a couple of coins. "You can buy an ice cream ...well, it might be a little cold for that." "Thank you sir!" the boy exclaimed. "It's never too cold for ice cream." "You're totally right," Atticus said smiling. "You gotta wait, though, I don't think the shop is open yet." They said goodbye and the boy left, Atticus staring at his back. He still didn't know what it was...

"Honey, wake up. It's time!" Scout rolled onto her back. "Why are you waking us up?" was the first thing she said. "Cal's sick today," Atticus said while he opened the curtains. "Get up, I'm going to get breakfast ready." He walked away, and when he stood in the kitchen, he had no idea where to start. As if knowing so, he opened the fridge. Luckily, there was some breakfast left over in it. Scout appeared in the kitchen, wearing her pyjamas. "Atticus, Cal usually picks my clothes every morning." Atticus looked up. "Uhm...can't you just wear the dress you had on yesterday?" Scout shrugged. "Okay," she said and strolled away. Atticus sat down and massaged his temples with the thumb and middle finger of his right hand.

After breakfast, Atticus was about to leave for work. "You'll just come home for dinner, alright? I'll come here earlier than usual, so I can prepare it." "Are you sure you can manage?" Jem asked, sounding concerned. Atticus smiled at him and ruffled his hair. "Sure, son. Would be a little strange, if I couldn't manage without Cal one day? Don't you worry. Have fun at school!" "Bye, Atticus," Scout and Jem said together. Atticus waved and walked out, having a strange sensation of concern. He actually wasn't sure he would be able to manage...

The rest of the day went by quickly. Atticus was busy. There had been many divorces, he thought to himself. Ever since Jean's death, he found it difficult to handle these cases properly. He couldn't imagine someone would want to seperate themself from their partner voluntarily, while his was so roughly taken away from him. He didn't show this during work of course, acting professional as always.

When Atticus appeared around the corner, he was met by Scout and Jem. Immediately, they informed him of how hungry they were, how there had been no one home and that he was awfully late. Atticus pushed his hat back and smiled tiredly, taking one of both's hands on either side of him. "I will start preparing dinner as soon as we get in. But I had a long day, okay?"

As soon as Atticus opened the door to the house, he told Scout and Jem to go do something else, he'd manage everything and get dinner ready as soon as possible. They went outside, and Atticus sunk down in one of the kitchen chairs and buried his head in his hands. For some reason, this day it felt just like Jean had just died and he was left alone, without anyone to help him. Just like in many of the dreams he had, but less terrifying. At the same time, he felt ridiculous for having these feelings about one day, one day that Calpurnia couldn't come. What if she resigned? Or got ill and couldn't come to work anymore? Atticus stood up and reached for the cookbook that boy had talked about. He quickly got to page 236 and started searching for the ingredients in the fridge, determined to be able to do it on his own. Cooking wasn't his thing, though. It took him long to actually get things to work. "Oh, Cal, where are you," he whispered to himself. Eventually, he angrily pushed against a pan, causing a loud clattering noise. He started calling they would go to the restaurant, but stopped himself. It was impossible that he couldn't cook an easy meal...right?

Indeed, he could. After sending Scout and Jem to bed, Atticus sat in the living room. He tried to read, but after working through half of the paper, he couldn't focus anymore and stood up. On the mantlepiece stood a picture of Jean, a bit hidden from view. Atticus reached out for the picture and sat down with it again, fingering the corners of the frame. When raising to put the picture back in place, Atticus was startled by Scout entering the livingroom. "Atticus?" she asked. "Jem's crying." Atticus turned around. "Why? Have you been fighting?" "No, no sir," she said ,"I don't know what it is. He won't let me in." Atticus walked towards her and put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll go see him. You go back to bed, sweet, you should be asleep already." He walked Scout to her room and tucked her in quickly. Then, he walked to Jem's room and knocked on the door. "Jem?" When he received no answer, he opened the door and closed it behind him. Jem was sitting on the ground, on the right side of the bed, facing the wall. Atticus didn't pay attention to him, but sat down on the left side of the bed and said nothing. He felt tears burning in the back of his eyes and swallowed. He didn't know what was going on with him... After about two minutes, Jem finally spoke up. "Please leave, sir," he said, sniffing. "I ain't crying." "Well, I am," Atticus said, a response that causedJem to turn his head immediately towards his father. "Why?" he asked. "Probably the same reason as you have," Atticus said. "Or weren't you crying?" It was silent again and Atticus smiled sadly. "If you were thinking about mama, we have the same reason." he heard Jem say in a shaky voice. "What made you think about her, son?" Atticus asked again. "It was awful here without having Cal around," Jem said. "Well, you were here of course but it was strange when no one was here when we came back from school. And it all over sudden...it felt again like mama had just died." Atticus walked over to Jem, lifted him and sat down on the bed with him on his lap, causing Jem to start crying again. "I know son," Atticus said calmly, and kissed the top of his head. "I thought the same thing today, and I know I can't do anything about it. Maybe that's the worst, feeling that powerlessness. You know Jem...there's something I'd like to say something about this. I will never marry again. I will always stay like this. But you, you have a whole life ahead of you. And although you will never forget your mother, you will learn to live with it. Memories of her will fade into the background more and more. There will always be a gap in your youth, but it will fade. One day, you'll meet a girl you'll love, and you won't feel the need of your parent's presence all the time anymore. You don't even do now, but you know what I mean. And then, one day, when you're old, and I'm not here anymore either, you might talk to someone about your parents and say 'Oh, yours are dead? Mine too," and it won't even be anything special. It might seem impossible to you now, but the grief will shrink away, until there's a small scar, carved in your heart. And that little scar will be there forever, but it will only hurt when you scratch it. Think about her again." Atticus took off his glasses and wiped them. He raised his head and looked at the ceiling. "It wasn't the best metaphor I can think of, but I guess you know what I'm trying to tell you, son." Jem nodded. "You need to go to sleep," Atticus said. "I kept you up too long." He pressed Jem against him and then tucked him in. "Good night, son," he said. Jem sighed and looked up. "Atticus...I really love you." Atticus smiled at him and blinked his eyes. "I love you too Jem, very much. Never forget that." He walked towards the door and switched off the light, then walked back. He bowed over Jem and pressed a long kiss on his forehead. "Night, son." "Bye, Atticus."

AN: I'm sorry for being inactive so long! Also, I apologize for this really bad last chapter...it's awful. But thank you somuch for reading my story and the sweet reviews, which were always great to read.


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